DLC Review/Retrospective - Fallout: New Vegas - "Lonesome Road"

"If they matter... if history matters... we'll see at the end of the road."

The opening moments of Fallout: New Vegas see you shot in the head and left buried in a shallow grave somewhere in the Mojave. Somehow still clinging to life, you're rescued and brought to the town of Goodsprings, where Doc Mitchell cares for you until you've made a full recovery. This is not the beginning of your story, the Courier's story, nor is it the end - but it was meant to be.

Enter Ulysses: the original Courier Six. The man who was supposed to deliver the Platinum Chip in the first place, but backed out of the job when he saw that you were next in line. Aware of what he'd be carrying, and knowing full well that the job was very likely a suicide mission, he stepped aside in the hopes that you would be killed before you even made delivery. Obviously, this didn't happen, much to Ulysses' disappointment.

But who is this other courier? Why does he want you dead?

Throughout Fallout: NV and it's subsequent add-ons, this story arc quietly builds in the background. A throw-away comment here, an oddly-named item there, until eventually it comes to a head. And it all begins with you sitting in a cave somewhere in the Big Empty, hearing Ulysses' voice on a holotape, the contempt he has for you and everything you've supposedly done. And in the closing seconds, he makes a solemn promise:

"At the Divide, he and I... there, we'll have an ending to things."

And he would be right.

Lonesome Road has you tracking down Ulysses through the Divide: a massive fissure that's formed in the middle of a once-thriving city of the Old World. Here, the wind is strong enough to tear the skin from your body, irradiated soldiers from both sides of a dead conflict wander in a haze of insanity, and mutated creatures lie in wait just below the surface. It's very unlikely that you'll find your happy place here. This is a depressing, emotional, and heart-breaking road you must travel, but I couldn't think of a better way for this game to come to an end.

This is your story. Your road. You're here because you want to be, and you can leave at anytime. But if you keep walking... you're gonna see some things.

The Divide ain't what it used to be.

The first thing you're going to notice about the Divide is, well, that it's pretty damn big. You begin on a cliff overlooking the whole of it, and it's just an amazing sight to see. I just sat there staring for a bit, and eventually said to myself, "Shit, I gotta walk through that." The Divide ain't pretty like Zion; it's a very intimidating piece of real estate. This is made even more interesting by how it was designed. Unlike the other three DLC hubs - The Sierra Madre, Zion, and The Big Empty - The Divide is actually one long road, winding through ruined cities, collapsed tunnels, across highways, and down into the giant fissure. You're still free to come and go and explore as you please (and there are still a ton of places to poke around), but since you're always moving forward through the landscape, you're never quite sure where you're going to end up next.

In this sense, Lonesome Road definitely has the most variety out of all the add-ons. Each of the locations in the Divide are unique from each other in some way. They're very competently-designed, and clearly show that Obsidian intended to go out with a bang, throwing as many eggs into that proverbial basket as they could. Buildings collapse into the fissure, earthquakes will knock things off of shelves, and debris constantly blocks your way. But wait! You can remove that debris by seeking out discarded warheads and setting them off with your trusty detonator. Time the explosions right, and you can take out some advancing enemies, too.

There are new armor sets, new items, new achievements, and new weapons, such as the "Red Pulse," which is pretty much an automatic rocket launcher. (It's as awesome as it sounds.) The only real downside is that since the Divide is an undesirable place to be, there isn't a surplus of NPCs to talk to. In fact, besides Ulysses, you'll only have your companion to talk to, but I'm not sure if I should spoil who that companion is. Not a big deal, but it was fun to discover who you'd be traveling with (and also figure out said companion's backstory.)

So what can you expect from the ending? Well, I can say that it was definitely a satisfying one, and will have vastly different outcomes depending on your decisions, a few of which were pretty tough for me to think through - and one of which can draw direct comparisons in terms of severity to the infamous Megaton decision from Fallout 3. So severe, in fact, that the Mojave Wasteland itself will be affected in some way: a first for FO DLCs.

And what of Ulysses? Again, I can't say much about him or his vendetta against the Courier. But rest assured, he has a very good reason to hate you, and it's not a reason that will sound completely out of the realm of possibility either. (Actually, I found myself thinking that I probably would've done the same thing in the Courier's shoes.) As Ulysses once said, "Couriers sometimes don't know the messages they bring."

Lonesome Road marks an end for the story of the Courier, a story that I've been following with much enthusiasm for the better part of a year. In that year, I've seen Obsidian create what I believe to be a masterpiece in the RPG genre: a game that not only aspired to have a great story, but great characters, locations, sidequests, world-building, and a level of immersion second to none. And then they decided to take things a step further, by creating a set of add-ons that could be collectively seen as a sequel in its own right.

Bethesda may have continued and updated the Fallout property, but Obsidian Entertainment refined it to the point of near-perfection, creating a product that trumps its predecessor in nearly every way. The franchise simply could not be in better hands, even if Bethesda decides to make the eventual sequel themselves. Obsidian know the lore, inside and out, they know what works, what doesn't, and how to tell stories within the universe that pack the hardest punch. I don't think I've played a game where a developer has had such a tight grip on such detailed lore and knew exactly how to wield it.

Fallout: New Vegas, along with all of its DLC - Dead Money, Honest Hearts, Old World Blues, and Lonesome Road - has been one of the best gaming experiences I've ever had. It will most definitely go down as one of the best games I've ever played, up there with Knights of the Old Republic and Dragon Age: Origins.

Obsidian (and Chris Avellone, especially) should be proud of themselves, and it's my hope that they're allowed another crack at the property. My dream would involve Obsidian, Fallout, and the Skyrim engine, but only time will tell.

This is an end for the Courier, but I hope it's not the end. Either way, all roads lead home, and for now, the Courier's right where he needs to be.

Hear Me Out: Why I'm Not So Sure You Should Buy Dragon Age: Legacy.

I don't recall anything this epic being in the game. That's the one I wanted to buy!

God, here I go again. Like the Energizer Bunny riding a broken record or something stupid like that. Four months after the release of Dragon Age 2 and I still feel like I need to bash on it in some way. But you know what? I can't help it. It cannot be helped, and I cannot help it. So, here we go with this week's edition of: I Hate You, Dragon Age 2: I Hate You So Damn Much. (Working title.)

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Hi - this is Buch, I'll be writing in this different font - and I'll be adding my comments to this post, being as I am the only Bioware fan on Earth who enjoyed (parts of) Dragon Age 2.

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Essentially, what I want to say regards the upcoming release of the first real add-on for Dragon Age 2 since its release: "Legacy." Nope, not useless weapons and armor, but an actual story. A story that (as far as I know) partially involves delving into Hawke's family history by way of a Grey Warden prison, which was just fantastic to hear. It's good that we're going to get back to Wardens and darkspawn. You know, since they spent the entirety of DA2 letting you know that, from here on out, we're all just gonna do our darndest to forget that abysmal prequel, Dragon Age: Origins, and all of the emotional investment fans might have tied up in it and get on with our lives.

'Cause that worked out well.

At this point, reeling the Wardens back into the picture and throwing you up against the very-familiar waves of darkspawn seems like a bit of a cop-out, which, I know, is a terrible thing to say after all that criticism. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of scenario, but whatever.

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This will look I'm interrupting for the sheer sake of it, but - to hell with Darkspawn. As it were. I adored Origins too, way more than the sequel, but after a minimum 40 hours fighting those three or four identical darkspawn sprites, I was utterly sick of them. To me they seem like astonshingly lazy enemies - a literal horde of repeated guys, the big guy and the little guy, who are just... kinda like orcs except they're demons or whatever. Dark-spawn? Yes, that'll do.
I'm going to far now, but I got bored of them pretty fast and I don't want to be fighting them anymore from now on. One the Blight ended, that ought to be the end of the Darkspawn on the surface. I feel that any plot otherwise would cheapen the Warden's accomplishment.
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But as per the inefficient title of this entry: I'm really not so sure people should be buying "Legacy." Even if you liked it. Lemme explain. There are two types of people this add-on is targeting: the people who liked the game and the people that were critical. The fans and the critics. It's doing this by expanding upon a part Hawke's story (a part that was never once referenced in the game, but whatever), appealing to nostalgia for the prequel, and attempting to right some of the wrongs that were in the main game. Okay? Okay.

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Okay. Honestly I'd call myself a critic too. I really liked the first two thirds, but I don't think I'll play through them again, not for that payoff.
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The fans probably won't care in any case. As long as this is continuing Hawke's story, they'll be content, which isn't a bad thing. If you like it, you like it. The critics might like that they'll be getting back into the fight with the good ol' darkspawn, and that they'll be exploring Grey Warden history to boot. They also might like that some of the main(ish) criticisms from the main game have been addressed, as in you won't be bogged down fighting off waves of enemies, and the dungeon will actually be brand new. That is to say, the multi-purpose dungeon from DA2 won't be making an appearance.

Upon first glance, that doesn't sound like an unreasonably bad add-on. Given the backlash that arose after DA2's release, this was probably the most logical route to take toward building up the franchise's damaged fanbase. But I'm here to convince you not to buy this thing, and I've already rambled on awhile, so let me lay down my case before I forget what I'm doing here.

BioWare Dislikes You Right Now

This is directed at both the fans and the critics. BioWare doesn't seem to be very fond of its own fanbase right now. Hyperbole? Exaggeration? Both?! Probably, but it's the only way I can explain what happened to DA2 and the post-release reaction. The game was not finished. It doesn't matter how much you liked it, because it doesn't change the fact that BioWare delivered fans of DA:O half of a game.

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Two thirds of a game.
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When I played Dragon Age: Origins for the first time, it freaked me right the hell out. I had the difficulty set too high, and I hadn't played a real tactics-based RPG since the Knights of the Old Republic series was still new. In my mad rush to get through the game, I literally skipped over everything outside of the main quest. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, because I got my ass handed to me more times than a... donkey farmer? Anyway, I rushed through the thing. How long did rushing through DA:O take me? 33 hours!

With DA2, I told myself that I wasn't going to make the same mistake. I was going for full completion this time around, and I pretty much accomplished this. After doing every single sidequest available (minus the high dragon fight), I finished the game in just under 30 hours, if I remember correctly. Try completing everything in DA:O in under 30 hours; that just ain't gonna happen.

DA:O had several cities from opposite ends of Ferelden, each with their own histories that spanned thousands of years. Histories that the game allowed you to explore and influence. DA2 has one city that doesn't change in ten years, the history of which is about as deep as my old above-ground pool. So, the content not only diminished, but it also got weaker. You could argue otherwise, but I'm not gonna let ya.

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Plus Kirkwall only had one pub. And its Elven Alienage consisted of one room with a tree on-loan from a Dreamcast game, thus making the city less diverse and worse-drawn than Denerim - one of several large locations in the first game. This time I don't even want to argue otherwise.
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So, why would BioWare, after delivering a product to such acclaim, turn around sell you a sequel that took a fifth of the time to develop in comparison to its prequel, with much less content? The only obvious answer being: because they knew fans would buy it blind. Why else would they offer a special edition of the game that could only be obtained by pre-ordering it three months in advance? Not only that, but the embargo on useful information about the game was lifted only a month before it was actually released, which I would say pretty much displays a lack of confidence on their part that DA2 would sell well if they had showed it off earlier.

So, BioWare sold us an inferior product, and it's very likely that they knew what they were doing all the while.

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Actually I would put-in here that Dragon Age 2 was never intended to be an inferior product. For whatever reason, Bioware just prefer these Mass Effect dialogue wheels now and their named, voiced protagonists, and they clearly tried at first. If they hadn't wanted this game to be good, they wouldn't have made it so different to their usual style, taken those risks. I suppose I could be wrong and Bioware could have used Kirkwall for the simple reason of saving space, or the political conflict instead of an enemy for the reason of time constraints, but I can't see it. Not to that extent.

This is the core of my defence right here. Not all the while, Knight. They tried to make this one a little bit different from their usual 'band of heroes led by the last-of-the-whoever off to save the world from the monsters by visiting four places' schtick. They tried to create this soap-opera feel with characters who have homes, jobs and secret agendas - and hell, I loved Aveline and Varric, just for their conversation.
And moreover, they were trying to set up some kind of trilogy or series or something with Hawke. They failed utterly, and it's clear that they rushed the game's finale in a manner than I call insulting. But I think they started this thing with big ideas.

This is all I've got.
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The fans complained (many of them, anyway, if the official forums are any indication), and the response on their part was pretty harsh/hilarious, all things considered. Never once did they answer for all the blatantly-cut corners, such as the multi-purpose dungeon, the-city-that-never-changes, not being able to equip party members, or how it's always sunny in Darktown. Things that were so applauded in DA:O, but failed to make an appearance in any form. I would also throw the lackluster ending and most of the party members onto that pyre, but meh.

But it doesn't matter, because they knew we would buy it. And I did! I got the "BioWare Signature Edition" and played through the extra, reskinned multi-purpose dungeon. For a signature edition, no, it wasn't representative of what BioWare is still (I hope) capable of. And then here comes "Legacy."

Even if you liked DA2, it was not the game you could've gotten. TES IV: Oblivion sold very well, but I don't think any of us are expecting Skyrim to be Call of Duty with swords. DA:O sold very well (not Oblivion well, but very well regardless), and I wasn't for one moment thinking that DA2 would become a super-linear God of War wannabe. There were redeeming features, yes, but then again, Two Worlds had some, too. So, yeah.

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There is an argument that Mass Effect 2 was just Gears of War with dialogue trees.
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By purchasing "Legacy," you're telling EA and BioWare that how they handled DA2, both before and after, was okay, and that it'll be perfectly acceptable to do something similar with the inevitable Dragon Age 3. Again, even if you liked it, it doesn't change the fact that BioWare tried to screw with you for quick money. When someone tries to steal your wallet, you don't give them $20 for the effort.

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One final note from me - that's a very interesting name they went for. Dragon Age 2 Legacy. I wonder if Bioware are trying to save exactly that? Well if so, fair enough, but.... Jesus guys, that game's ending really sucked. $20 or the Sterling equivalent seems like a lot of money. I might have paid that price for some kind of patch that replaces the third act of the story with one that makes a modicum of sense. But not to go fight freaking darkspawn. I can do that in the Deep Roads. Or in Origins. Or my nightmares.

Even I won't be buying this one unless there's something special about it. Bioware can do special with DLC, but they have to really care about it. They can do crap too.

Having looked at the adverts for the new DA2 DLC... nothing stands out. It looks distinctly like a dungeon with some nonsense about Hawke's incredibly dull family thrown in, and a nice new sword. I'm not calling you a liar, Bioware - and I'm really looking forward to whatever new games you put out - but I think DA2 is buried now. So start again, hey.
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Whew, hopefully that''ll be the end of these rants, eh? =D

DLC Review - Fallout: New Vegas - "Old World Blues"

Yes, you've lost your brain. Don't think about the medical inconsistencies; you lack the equipment for it, anyway.

Let's face it: the Courier's had a rough time of things. Getting shot in the head wasn't enough, neither was getting caught in the middle of a war between three very powerful factions, nor was getting gassed and taken prisoner and forced to crack open a vault in a mythical casino whilst wearing a bomb collar. As the saying goes: things are gonna get worse before they get better.

And in the case of our respective Couriers, things are looking to get much worse.

"Old World Blues" marks a significant jump in quality for Obsidian. Whereas "Dead Money" had a brilliant story and "Honest Hearts" had a place worth exploring, this new add-on tries to do both - and do them both better. Influenced by science fiction of the 50s and the classic Fallout titles, the opening for "Old World Blues" involves a crashed satellite, a ruined drive-in, and a science fiction picture show. Very fitting.

Eventually, you'll end up at the Big Mountain Research Facility, commonly referred to as "The Big Empty" amongst Mojave residents. You have no idea how you got there, why you're there, and, oh yeah, your brain's been removed. This is all explained to you buy a group of five disembodied scientists collectively known as the Think Tank. It seems in their blind rush to progress Science, your brain was removed and you, unlike many others, did not die a horrible death during the removal. This makes you special... for some reason. The Think Tank don't come by many answers easily, if at all.

Because you're special and because you did not die, the Think Tank decides to send you on a mission to recover various technologies around the Big MT facility. They've since lost your brain, apparently, and the only way to get it back into charge headlong into the facility of the mad scientist, Doctor Mobius. These technologies will both allow you to fight his army of atomic robo-scorpions and give you an entrance into his facility so that you might be reunited with your brain.

If it all sounds a little convoluted, that's because it is. The Think Tank aren't all that they appear to be; in fact, they're much, much less than that. They're all manner of crazy and confused about everything, but they do have a flair for dramatics, which you will get a taste of during your initial introduction. To be blunt, these are some of the most entertaining and hilarious video game characters I've come across in quite some time. They had me in stitches pretty much every time they spoke, and it never got tiring. These are characters who fully embody the corny (and awesome) science fiction of the 50s. Everything must be atomic, everything is forbidden, and Science will save us all from the darkest of futures.

Communism, of course.

In any case: thus begins your journey to recover your brain, which will have your crisscrossing Big MT and all of its fantastic locations. The Big Empty isn't as claustrophobic as the Sierra Madre, nor is it as barren as Zion National Park. The place is simply a joy to explore aimlessly, and there's a lot of it. Every facility houses information about Big MT's questionable past and further insight into the minds and "work ethic" of the Think Tank. The place is thick with history and expands the lore of the Fallout universe greatly. I was genuinely compelled to check every nook of every facility I came across. You never know what you're going to find.

One room that I almost passed over housed a robot/human splicing machine. It's as crazy as it sounds.

Over the course of your journey, you might come into possession of various holotapes that contain, get this, personalities for your household appliances. One of the perks of doing missions for the Think Tank is having your own base of operations called "the Sink", which contains a bed, plenty of storage, soda machines, your own personal auto-doc and market. But plugging these personalities into the appliances around the Sink will net you some hilarious results. A gardening machine that sounds like Issac Hayes and constantly demands your "seed," a toaster bent on destroying the world, and an obsessive-compulsive securitron named Muggy who's programmed to clean coffee mugs - to name a few.

So, "Old World Blues" has character in spades, a great sense of humor, and a great zone to support it all. The story? It's pretty good, too! Like "Dead Money," a lot of the story is in the details, and it rewards those who take in the sights. But overall, your goal is to stop a mad scientist and steal your brain back. That should be enough for most people. (It was for me.) But the story does try to make you care about what's really going on. As I said, nothing is as it seems, which results in a few decisions that you'll have to make in the end that, in my case, had me sitting there thinking for a while.

And as for the "War of the Couriers" story arc, it's definitely continued here. You'll get a better understanding of just who this Ulysses is, what he wants, and why he carries the flag of the Old World on his back. You'll have to do a little digging though. But if you do, you'll uncover answers to some of the many mysteries surrounding the Sierra Madre, hear the voice of an old friend (who has since lost her voice), and get an idea of how things might come to an end in the next/last add-on.

"Dead Money" was brilliant, but had problems in the combat department. "Honest Hearts" was enjoyable, but its brevity and lack of a compelling storyline made it touch and go for a while. But "Old World Blues"? That's a no-brainer. If you have Fallout: New Vegas, this is a must-buy. No question about it. There's good humor, plenty of role-playing opportunities, a fascinating world to explore, rich lore, and the entire thing is one big celebration of early science fiction. The thing's not short either. I did a little exploring, but I still haven't finished all of the sidequests, and it took me a little over ten hours to finish.

Obsidian really pulled out all of the stops for this expansion, fully displaying that they are in possession of some of the most creative individuals working the RPG scene these days. With "Old World Blues," they've raised the bar very high, both in terms of what a DLC add-on should be and for the last add-on due to be released a some point in the next few months. If "Lonesome Road" doesn't disappoint, Fallout: New Vegas in addition to these add-ons may end up being one of the best video game experiences I've ever had. (Yes! Potential hyperbole! Deal with it, World!)

I still have some exploring to do, and I'm very grateful this ride isn't over yet. For the Courier, there is still one more road left to travel.

The Courier and the Big Empty

"Save us all - in the name of Science!"

Two more days until Obsidian's next add-on for Fallout: New Vegas arrives. "Old World Blues" will lead your Courier to a secret research facility where the chances of losing your brain are abnormally high. This will be the third of four planned add-ons, with the final entry, "Lonesome Road," estimated to be released at some point within the next three months. Yes, ambiguity.

Just in case you haven't given these add-ons a try, I recommend every single one of them so far. It'll be sad times when Obsidian is no longer producing Fallout content, though I have high hopes that they'll make another one in the near future. Maybe even using the Skyrim engine!

Maybe.

"Old World Blues" will be available across all platforms on July 19th.

DLC Review(s): Alan Wake - "The Signal" and "The Writer"

Avert your eyes. Minor spoilers ahead.

The conclusion of Alan Wake was a bittersweet one, but I honestly couldn't imagine a better way to bring the story to a close. Without giving too much away, it doesn't seem like Mr. Wake will be going anywhere for a while. Trapped in a place he'd rather not be, his only hope of getting back to the real world is to write himself back into it. Unfortunately, he's developed a rather violent form of writer's block, where his anxiety and overactive imagination have collided in such a way that his rational side has been pushed away into a nightmare.

Both Alan Wake add-ons, "The Signal" and "The Writer," focus on Alan's rational self as he tries to make his way back to the cabin and out of harm's way. To do this, he has to survive a nightmare of his creation. These are ultimately two stories of a writer having his own imagination turned against him.

The Signal:

This add-on begins in much of the same way the main game did, with Alan Wake stumbling into the Oh Deer Diner in Bright Falls, though things are certainly different this time around. The darkness is everywhere, perverting Wake's memories to the point where they're blending into each other. A door to the city streets might lead you somewhere else entirely, and things only get worse as Wake's insane self dives further into madness.

In short: someone done crossed the streams.

Though I loved that this add-on continued the story in an interesting way, it didn't advance beyond the initial concept. For the most part, you'll be fighting the Taken. A lot of them. An unusual amount, actually. Whereas the game itself had the battles spaced out quite a bit, there's nothing like that going on here. After you figure out just what the heck's going on with Wake, there's little else to be impressed by outside of a few interesting set pieces.

But you know what? It was still enjoyable. And if you buy Alan Wake new, you get it for free. So, while I can't complain too much, I will say that the few things that I didn't like about the main game seem to compose the core of this add-on. There are way too many fights, another shameless instance of product placement, and the story doesn't advance much after the first fifteen minutes or so.

But it's still pretty dang spooky, and, again: free.

The Writer:

"The Writer," on the other hand, was a perfect example of what I'd expect out of an Alan Wake story. It expands upon some of the questions that the main game left unanswered, has some very good character moments, and has probably one of the craziest sequences I've ever seen in a video game. It's similar to the hallucination from Fallout 3 - Point Lookout, or Nightmare Hollow from Fable 2... but waaaay creepier.

Basically, "The Writer" feels like a proper descent into madness. I honestly couldn't tell what was going to happen next, and when the crazy stuff happened, I couldn't believe I had just played such a thing in a video game. I was awed, I'll say that much. Even the combat sections were creative as all hell and, most importantly, fun.

The ending is a nice teaser for what could happen in future Alan Wake installments, and I honestly can't wait. Sounds like we have something coming soon, but the announcement was definitely vague. In any case, I'll take what I can get!

DLC Review - Fallout: New Vegas - "Honest Hearts"

"Honest hearts produce honest actions."

To its credit, the second add-on for Fallout: New Vegas has a lot to say - it just doesn't give itself enough time to say it. Whereas Dead Money had much to throw at you about greed and deception and trust, Honest Hearts kinda just throws you the Spark Notes. That's not really a bad thing at all, considering what you end up getting, but it does mean you might be able to brush off the story a lot sooner than you'd hoped.

Even then, it still ranks very, very high on the list of Fallout DLC, possibly even above Point Lookout. Maybe.

It begins with a radio signal, as they always do, and an invitation to join the Happy Trails Caravan Company on a trek through Utah, and a place called Zion. Apparently, the company has fallen on hard times, and this will be their last run if they're unable to unload their goods. They're not taking any chances, so you're hired to go along for the ride as security.

But you'll quickly find that your efforts were all for naught and things go terribly, terribly... terribly wrong for the caravan, just before you're thrown into an unstable conflict between three warring tribes in Zion. Yeah, didn't see that coming either.

The rest of the story will have you picking sides and deciding the fates of the native tribes, all the while being prodded by the mysterious Burned Man, Joshua Graham. And while all that's going on, you'll become privy to even more details on how the DLC storyline is going to eventually end up playing out. This, I thought, was the most interesting part of the add-on.

Unlike those of Fallout 3, all of the add-ons for New Vegas are connected in some way, quietly building up a scenario in which you will eventually cross paths with another courier. Who this courier is and why he means trouble is still (kind of) a mystery, but I think that's an amazing thing to try and pull off with downloadable content: to essentially give you a whole other game with its own underlying narrative.

But that's neither here nor there. The truth of the matter is that you're mostly paying for access to Zion National Park, since the story, and all of the characters (excluding the Burning Man) are largely uninteresting. People who are aware of the Mormon tradition of sending missionaries to "uncivilized" countries will get where Honest Hearts is coming from, and it really doesn't try to do much more than that.

Unlike Dead Money, though, it's a much more cohesive experience. You might die, but nowhere near as much without that collar around your neck. You might get strapped for ammo, but you won't be scrounging for it in every box and dresser you find. So, long and short, it's a more relaxed add-on. The lack of compelling characters was a turn off, as was the laid back story, but it was, overall, a satisfying expansion. Zion will always be waiting for you when your quests come to an end, though what state its in when you leave will ultimately be up to you. For that reason alone, it's definitely worth the purchase.

DLC Review - Fallout: New Vegas - "Dead Money"

"You can check out anytime you like..."

I left the Mojave Wasteland as the benevolent-ish dictator of the New Vegas Strip, having repelled both the New California Republic and Caesar's Legion from gaining control over the Hoover Dam. I took it upon myself to wander aimlessly for a time, snooping out sidequests and items that I may have missed during my ride toward revenge. When I was satisfied in my travels, and finally in possession of the armor displayed prominently on the box art, I returned to my home in Novac and logged out for what I knew would be an extended vacation from the wasteland.

Personally, I thought that was a damn fine way to wrap things up at the time. The chances were slim that I'd be returning anytime soon, since, for some reason, something about the DLC being released just didn't click with me. Maybe I was just opposed to all DLC in general when I was finished with Fallout: New Vegas. Just not sure.

But what I can say is that, after finally caving in and buying the first add-on, Dead Money, I am absolutely convinced that Obsidian Entertainment is the heir apparent to BioWare in terms of writing, story, and characterization. Maybe an odd conclusion to come to after a DLC pack, and maybe (definitely) a little random, but I just cannot deny the intense swirl of emotions that my travels through the Sierra Madre Casino evoked. As I assume they say in Vegas, "We have a winner."

Dead Money begins, as most Fallout DLC has, with a new radio station popping up on your Pip-Boy. When you track down the source of this new signal, you're led underground and into an abandoned base that was once owned by the Brotherhood of Steel. You'll notice a few clues as to where you'll be heading as you enter, but before you can process anything, you walk into semi-obvious trap and down you go. Eventually you wake up in the middle of a villa at the base of a hill where the infamous Sierra Madre Hotel & Casino sits, looming over you, as pristine as it was when it was originally constructed.

For as long as I've been traveling the Capital and Mojave Wastelands, it was unsettling to see something that wasn't destroyed.

And, again, before you can process what's going on, you're accosted by a man named Father Elijah, speaking to you through a hologram in the middle of the villa. He very indifferently lays the situation down on you: There is a bomb collar strapped onto your neck, and it's electronically linked to the collars of three other unfortunate souls out there in the villa. If one of you dies, you all die. This failsafe is in place so that the four of you will presumably work together to break into the vault of the Sierra Madre, which will then surrender its treasures unto you.

In any case, you don't really have a choice in the matter. Any move to resist Elijah's demands will result in your collar going boom, taking your three mystery companions along with you. From the start, you're made to understand just how expendable you are, and even though your circumstances are unfortunate, you're not the first to be enslaved in this way. Elijah can always find someone else.

Okay? So, let's break into a casino!

"Like this, but with ghosts and mutants."

What follows isn't merely a story of "the big heist," though it's certainly meant to resemble and celebrate one. The Sierra Madre has a dark history to it, and as you progress you'll find yourself stumbling onto bits and pieces of information that shed light on just what you and your unfortunate predecessors have gotten into. Many people, possibly even yourself, have been lured to the Sierra Madre with the promise of riches in mind. But nothing is as it seems, which seems to be the greater point of the story at hand.

History is what has made the Fallout series work so well for me. Walking into random houses will sometimes show you how their occupants once lived, how they died: little windows into how the survivors of the apocalypse have pressed on. Dead Money maintains that feeling the whole way through. Frantic scribblings on the walls, stockpiles of ammunition, journal entries, a skeleton in the corner with finger bones still clutching a pistol aimed at its own skull. You can experience the entire rise and fall of the Sierra Madre Casino third-handedly, amounting to one of the most haunting gaming experiences I've probably ever had.

The whole experience is elevated by the moot fact that you'll be stripped of all your weapons and armor upon waking up in the villa. This add-on makes one of the truer attempts at falling within the "survival horror" genre in some time. I found myself checking every drawer, every box, every nook and cranny looking for that much coveted stimpack or ammo clip.

Despite all of this, Dead Money isn't as perfect as I'd like to say it is. Sometimes that survival horror aspect works against it, turning a very immersive experience into a test of patience. Your collar will explode if it comes in close proximity to a speaker that gives off a certain sound. These speakers are sometimes well hidden. I can't tell you how many times I died trying to find those stupid things and cut off the signal. And there will also be times when it just seems impossible to find health and ammo, which ended with me either resorting to stealth or loading up an earlier save. This might be a gripe of extreme relativity, since I'm certain some players will welcome the challenge. But still - my head exploded many times.

Setting the difficulty aside, Dead Money will have you coming into contact with some great characters and a superb story. It ends on a high note, and sets up future add-ons. In fact, as I type this, the second add-on, Honest Hearts, has been released. Depending on how L.A. Noire treats me, I'll likely be diving into that one very soon, as well.

I'm sitting here, still in awe of the impression the Sierra Madre has left on me. It's not too often that a game developer sets out to tell a story that doesn't stop at the cutscenes. The Sierra Madre is a place of high extravagance frozen in time, where the ghosts of the dead still live on in artificiality, and nothing is ever what it seems.

Yeah, it was pretty good!

Indie Games (part 1)

Sometimes here at 'Disingenuous Assertions' Headquarters I run out of things to write about. Originally the site was conceived for me and Knightfall1138 to talk about and post fanfiction, but lately, I've gone off fanfic, had writer's block, and had very little time for writing altogether. Since then Knight focuses on interesting book talk, nerd news and up-to-the-minute game reviews written better than anything on Gamespot. Meanwhile I've been specialising in being drunk and reviewing things everyone else read ten years ago.

Today I can't think of anything better to do than review a lot of the 'Indie' games available on Xbox Live. I finally got my Xbox 360 hooked up to the internet the other day, and the first thing I did was see what I could download to celebrate. After I grabbed the new Mass Effect 2 expansion and a remade 'Earthworm Jim' (why remake it? what was wrong with the original version?!) I had a few pounds left. Then for the first time I noticed the Indie Games section. These are small, usually short, and simple games produced by 'the community' and not in any way quality-tested or approved by Microsoft. It's like an open forum - ordinary people just make small games and and put them up there for 80 gamerpoints (about one US dollar) each - I love that idea!

I've always enjoyed inding small, free/cheap games online and trying them out. And there are some great examples, Like 'Braid', 'N' and recently 'Super Mario Crossover', which have become big deals because honestly, they're better than anything similar that the profesionals are making these days.

So... I downloaded 25 of them mostly at random (I only paid for about half, the rest are demo versions) and thought, 'Maybe I can justify this colossal waste of time and money by blogging about it.'
So, in no particular, order let's play...

1) A Game of Tennis
Blurb: "Classic tennis, updated with modern features! Single player, Local and Online Multiplayer modes, plus online Scoreboards bring this favorite into the 21st Century!"
Initial reaction: Hey does that mean Pong? That's great! I love Pong! I hope it's close to the original versions and not all fancy like that stupid Space Invaders Remix crap.

The game: Yeah! It's a very solid, very old-fashioned game of Pong, on a home console that has joysticks on its controllers. Perfect! Also the ability to play online is a nice feature. This is exactly what you want - or what I want - from Xbox Live. Pong. Every videogame fan should have some kind of Pong game at her disposal, and this costs one pound. There's nothing to complain about except the title and the pretty easy difficulty on single-player mode. Well, it seemed easy to me, but I am a Pong God, so.


2) The MANLY Game for MANLY Men
Blurb: "In the pursuit of true MANLINESS, hurl your Avatar down four scenic locations around the world while collecting ACME MAN BLAST. Are you manly enough to become the MANLIEST of MEN?!"
Initial reaction: You're DAMN RIGHT I'm MANLY enough!! How manly do you have to be to become the manliest anyway - slightly less manly than the existing manliest? Perhaps I will find the ANSWERS when I DOWNLOAD this MANLY game!!!

The game: This one was not good. I think the designers put all their creative input into the funny 'Manly' thing and the very funny intro sequence, and forgot to add a game at the end. It is 3D, which is unusual among the games I downloaded. Your avatar simply falls slowly down a (not terribly scenic) mountainside while you attempt to steer him toward bottles of aftershave, which you're trying to collect. Eventually he runs out of momentum and stops. You can use a 'boost' once to send him back into the air and get some more speed. But honestly, you won't want to. This marks the first of many Indie games I downloaded because I thought the title was funny. This strategy actually led me to two very good games later on... but also...

3) Baby Maker Extreme
Blurb: "Are you extreme enough for Baby Maker Extreme? Experience the most extreme embryonic event enhanced by your electronic entertainment equipment. Simulate the miracle of life in a way only video games can. Download Baby Maker Extreme and prepare to be blown away."
Initial reaction: What?

The game: In this 2D skill game, you launch a newborn baby from a faceless woman's womb, then proceed to see how far across the hospital you can make that flight go, by trying to bounce the infant off the corners of objects and people. Just like 'Manly Men' you also have a boost for renewed speed.
The first choice is 'Baby Mode' (the ball is a baby) and 'Avatar Mode' (a 3D cartoon of me in the foetal position). I picked Avatar Mode for slightly fewer night-terrors. After that there is a little rhythm game to simulate heavy breathing, and.... God, this is awful.


4) Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme!
Blurb: "There is only one way to definitively end a conflict: Rock Paper Scissors. In Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme: Challenge of the Fists you can battle your enemies and friends in local match, over Xbox Live or, if you are without friends, fight a computer opponent."
Initial reaction: Rock, paper, scissors? Bloody hell. Okay let's see how Xtreme it is.

The game: Well you can't complain when the game is just Rock, Paper, Scissors. It's okay. One of the hands that comes up has a leather glove on, which is pretty Xtreme where I come from. There are funky music and backgrounds... little voice clips. It made me smile. It also boasts three mini-games if you pay the money... 'Mystical Fortune Teller', 'Controller Race' and 'Controller Massage'. Controller... what in the?..... click, click, click.....
'Mystic Fortune Teller' is a Magic 8 Ball. All right, next game...
'Controller Race' makes your controllers vibrate for a few seconds. I think that's actually so bad it's good!
And 'Controller Massage' makes the controller vibrate until you stop it. The idea is that you put in on your neck or feet, and the instructions creeped me out by telling me not to use it inappropriately. Ewwwwww! I hadn't even thought of that till you said it, game!!
I paid a pound for rock, paper, scissors.

5) Advanced Rock Paper Scissors
Blurb: "Advanced Rock Paper Scissors with a twist."
Initial reaction: Succinct and to the point, I see. Good for you. You're taking this rock, paper, scissors thing seriously. Maybe this time we won't be pissing around with Magic 8 Balls and vibrating controllers. Let's do this.


Reaction after I started up the game: Whuh..... what in the... is this Pazaak?! Noooooooo!
The game: Well, 'advanced' is right. You look at that pciture and see if you can tell me what the hell is going on. Basically the three hand positions are here replaced by fire, earth and water (I forget which beats which) and both players are dealt cards with the elements, and score numbers, on them. If you win a hand, you win the scores on the cards... and what the hell does this have to do with rock, paper, scissors?!

6) A Perfect Massage
Blurb: "Relax enjoying different automatic massage sessions using your pad vibrations. Or make your own massage session with the manual mode. Take control of all other pads if you wish! The best XBOX massager ever!"
Initial reaction: Quite a boast, game! Espescially considering that there are absolutely loads of these massage games available on the (pretty big) Indie Games list. One of them (which I ended up not downloading) said you could program another player's massage, which made it 'perfect for long distance relationships'. I thought that was the most adorable thing I'd ever read... but then I remembered the creepy warning on 'Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme' and the moment was ruined.The game: You can make your own massage programme or pick one of four. That's actually pretty impressive! I went with Swedish, and put the controller on my lower back and started typing...
I have an Xbox controller vibrating against my back. What on Earth happenned to my life.

7) BlindGiRL
Blurb: "BlindGiRL is lost in a world of darkness and confusion. Can you help her overcome her fears, and find the path to understanding?"
Initial reaction: Blind Girl? It's called 'Blind Girl?'

The game: Well, you're a blind girl, trying to find your way out of a maze. Huh. Blindness is represented by the walls being only visible when you're near them, as if you're feeling your way around. Every level is unique and there are lots of gadgets which make her seem less blind, but keep the game fresh. There seems to be a rhyming storyline, reminiscent of the one in 'Wik: Fable of Souls'. There's an interesting musical motif here too and a genuinely unsettling atmosphere. And I have to say, it's profesionally-made and original. But... it's a maze in the dark. Even though I would like to see what that story turns into in the game proper, I got bored.

8) Molly the Were-Zompire
Blurb: "Finding a magical portal to another world? Cool! Being killed soon upon arrival? Not cool. Turning into a Were-Zompire (Werewolf + Zombie + Vampire) and gaining amazing power? Very cool! Embarking on an interactive story with many different paths and endings? Totally awesome!"
Initial Reaction: Whoah, what's this about zombies? Cool! And - is this a text game? I can have a text game game on Xbox 360? This is what's really, truly excellent about these modern Internet-linked games consoles. Variety and nostalgia.


The game: IS AWESOME. It's pretty much what you'd expect - press A to do this, press X to say that, press Y to run away - but it's a very, very good example of a comedy choose-your-own-adventure story. It's long, and every option feels fully fleshed out and packed with fresh, geeky, tongue-in-cheek, sweet humour. There are even brilliant stick-illustrations every now and again, just to make sure you don't treat the adventure with any degree of seriousness. I keep running across funny passages I might want to put in here, but I couldn't pick one. Also, despite the very simple gameplay, it really doesn't feel amateurish or rushed in the way many of these Indie games seem to. This is a small but shiny gem, with a pleasant piano soundtrack and everything.

Download this! It's excellent.

Wonderful. That made me feel like this whole experience was worthwhile. Now let's find some other great, well-written, original concepts.


9) ULTRA-POWERED MASSAGER!
Blurb: "This is the most powerful massage app on the Xbox 360. No vibration app has stronger vibraions than those featured here. Get ready for a truly brain-numbing experience. Can YOU handle the intensity?!"
Apology: I know, I know. But look at the blurb! Brain-numbing! Honestly, to get my interest, all you need to do is put things in capital letters and ask a direct, challenging question. All right, let's see if this numbs my brain.


The game: It made my controller vibrate heavily (no fancy Swedish rhythms or anything) and there were a couple of simple mini games. One of them was actually kinda fun, and the other was just 'how many times can you press the A button in ten seconds?'
All of this is set to a repeating, 5-second loop of generic heavy metal, which is just what you want to hear while you're getting a massage!


10) GET TO THA CHOPPA!!1
Blurb: "Zombie apocalypse has come!!1 Can you survive zombie hordes, mines and heat-seeking missles to safely get to tha choppa in this twisted and addictive reaction game? Global high scores will put your skill to the ultimate test!"
Initial reaction: Heh heh. Tha Choppa. Heh heh heh. Two other words that never fail to win my attention are 'ultimate' and 'zombie'. If you include them in a question to me you will get an instant yes ('Chris, will you do me the honour of being the ULTIMATE husband and defeating my invincible loneliness? DARE YOU accept the challenge of building a long-lasting and zombie-proof family unit???')

The game: This is one of the ones I was expecting to hate, but actually ended up really liking. I can't find a picture, which is annoying because it looks good (in that 'deliberately bad' kindof way, like 'Alien Homonid') and it's hard to explain. It's a test of reaction time. You're a guy running forever to the right. To your left is the zombie horde and to your right are tha choppa and three types randomly spawning obstacles - zombies (shoot them by tapping X) mines (jump over them with A) and missiles (duck with the joystick). So they come at you on a conveyor belt, and you just see how long you can last as the obstacles come thicker and faster. I guess eventually you get to tha choppa, but I haven;t managed it! It sounds dull, but the fluid controls, silly visuals and perfect pace make it a lot of fun. And the music is inexplicably enjoyable as well.
This one charms you in a way you don't expect! I really like it. The only flaw is that when I'm connected to Xbox Live, it gets juddery and laggy. At a high speed, that'll kill you instantly! So disconnect first.


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And that's that! If this makes me smile in the morning, or it goes down well, I'll do a second part and play the rest of the 'Indie Games' I downloaded!

In the meantime - I urge you to check some of these games out. Amongst the rubbish and the games that didn't quite work, there are some fantastic ones.

Now that I'm on Xbox Live, my nickname there is 'Mister Buch' same as everywhere. Add me if you fancy A Game of Tennis, but not if you want a massage!

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EDIT: As of now, I'm ranked 196th in the WORLD at Get To The Choppa!! That's another thing I really like about these games - they make you care about scores again. Remember the last time you bothered to look at how many 'points' you had? Well I have slightly more points than yooo408 but not as many points as x UK DogTagZz x.

EDIT EDIT (One year later): Looking back on this article, I'm genuinely astonished at how naiive I was last year. I now realise what the massage games are supposed to be used for. How in the hell did I not realise that...

It's A Wonderful Life: Darkspawn Edition

Mister Buch's prediction was correct! It appears that these Darkspawn Chronicles that Kotaku had hinted at yesterday turned out to be a DLC episode that puts you in control of a darkspawn character of sorts. Not only that, but it works under the premise that you died hardcore during the Grey Warden Joining ceremony in Ostagar.

The story revolves around you, a darkspawn commander of sorts, as you're tasked with destroying the Ferelden capital of Denerim. Along the way, you'll meet up with many of your old friends from DA:O...and punch the shit out of them, apparently. I guess booting up this add-on will probably seem most appropriate whenever one of your party members disapproves with you a little too much, eh?

I'm really not sure what to think of this. I still hate that BioWare insists on making these add-ons that don't really do too much for the story, and only provide a means through which to kill an hour or so. We haven't really gotten an add-on (or expansion, for that matter) that has been able to live up to the majesty of the main game. It's all just been...okay. Now here they are already working on alternative universe yarn. Ugh.

It's really hard for me to put on my Optimist Hat concerning this, but we'll see. I'll give it a fair shake until the reviews start coming in. I'm just silently hoping that BioWare handles DLC a little better come Dragon Age II. In my eyes, they're still getting the hang of it, and they're about at the stage that Bethesda was during Oblivion's reign.

You can read an interview with the lead designer of the add-on over HERE, which pretty much explains what you should expect.

Edit: BioWare has also posted up a trailer for the add-on over at Youtube. LINKY.

New Fanfiction: The Price of Salvation

Just as a quick note, Mister Buch and I have put together a short Dragon Age fanfic that parodies the DLC system integrated into the game. BioWare thought they were being clever, I bet, but it resulted in one of the grandest frustrations ever in a game. IN EVER!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. It was more along the lines of bitter annoyance. In any case, here's the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5895431/1/The_Price_of_Salvation

Enjoy! Let us know what you think!

2,000 Now, Plus Fifteen When We Reach Alderaan (The Slippery Slope of DLC)

I don't rightly recall my first experience DLC. It was, most likely, with Halo 2 or some such. Then there was Guitar Hero, and then Gears of War. Then it was everywhere. In fact, it's hard NOT to buy a game these days that doesn't have a little something extra for sale online or on your console marketplace. At first, it was kinda neat, because long after the game you owned had run its course, you could still buy cheap little additions to keep the fun alive just a bit longer.

Gears of War made it a habit of releasing their new maps completely free in the beginning. Their justification: "We always take care of our customers." That's what it all boiled down to, huh? And I agree! I'm the head of a company that just made one of the best selling games of all time and have created a rabid fanbase that will follow me anywhere (even into the bathroom). Why shouldn't I give my fans something extra for their patronage and support? Right? That's how it was in the beginning, until something went awry:

Someone discovered they could make tons of internet money.

It started as extra maps, extra levels, extra weapons, goddamn horse armor...But then, this trend sorta climaxed with the Resident Evil 5 incident, where people were paying out the ass for a multiplayer mode that was already on the disc! I believe this is where the question of developer ethics first came around. I mean, are they within their right to charge you, the consumer, who've already paid full-price for the product, for extra content that is already included on the disc you're holding? In the end, people were paying for a simple "unlock patch" that clocked in at a devastatingly huge file size of...1.8 MB.

Seemed as though Capcom was selling you a car, and then charging you to drive it.

Fast forward to the present, so that I can comment on EA's recently implemented "Project Ten Dollar," which basically says, if you buy our game brand fucking new, we will provide you with ten dollars American worth of DLC that was intended for that game. This was supposed to provide incentive for buying games new instead of used, or torrented. Sounds like a marvelous idea, right?

Bioware, owned by EA, was the first to use this with Dragon Age: Origins. Those who bought the game new were given an awesome set of Blood Dragon Armor, which was just fantastic to have sucking up space in my inventory whilst my rogue continued on leather-bound. (Coulda given it to Alistair, I guess, but...I didn't. Why the hell would I pay for armor for Alistair to use?) Additionally, we were given access to The Stone Prisoner DLC, which was also a fantastic 20 minute adventure to get a party member who did nothing but sigh at me for the entire game.

And that was about it. Wouldn't say that's ten dollars' worth of content, but what do I know? I'm just the consumer who doesn't know how much time and effort was poured into that DLC. It could easily be worth a billion dollars, and I wouldn't know.

Mass Effect 2 fared better in some respects. We were given new armor, new weapons, a place to mourn the old Normandy, a hovercraft mini-game, and a new party member, Zaeed: The Crocodile Dundee in Space. Were any of these things worth downloading to my already-limited hard drive? Well, I think that's where EA/Bioware would make the argument that, you know, since it's free you have no right to complain. It's not like somebody twisted your arm to download stuff that cost you absolutely nothing and provided you the opportunity to hang out with a space Australian, like you didn't have one already. Edit: I've just been made aware that Zaeed is not Australian. That is all.

To that, I would say, "No." This was not ten dollars' worth of content. If my game wasn't screaming at me to keep this shit on my hard drive, I probably would have deleted all of it already. Spoiler Alert: I already tried that with the Zaeed DLC, and it ended with me downloading it all over again so I could keep playing. Not that I was already peeved having a character in the game that some people have to pay for to gain access to.

The Firewalker DLC was our last bit of free stuff from Bioware, as there is now ANOTHER party member DLC and a meh set of new costumes for Jack, Thane, and Garrus that will force members of the Cerberus Network to pay cash money for. So what does this mean to those of us who don't really feel up to paying for this DLC, specifically this new character? Does this mean our experience in future games will be hindered? Am I now paying for the content of a game that doesn't exist yet? Is shelling out $60 in this economy just not enough proof of support? But now we have to pay for what have been the most interesting facets of this series?

I don't know, actually. Knowing what I know now, I can almost imagine Bioware paring off characters like Mission Vao and Zaalbar to be sold as extra DLC for those willing to pay full price (plus). It's a scary thing to think about, because of how far we've come, and how far we have to go. Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening did not bode good things on the horizon. We're coming to a dark time in the gaming industry where developers are deciding the value of their product, regardless of production cost and time. Where Bioware can create a 10 hour game, call it an "expansion," and charge 20 bucks shy of full price for it.

I might just be tired, because this is verging on a rant. I just see an industry that sought to wow us in past years. To provide a genuine, entertaining experience. Sure, gaming is an expensive habit. I think companies like EA saw it, too, when they came to the realization that if we're willing to pay THAT much for games, perhaps we're willing to pay just a bit more.

I fear that this might be a very slippery slope that will lead game developers to section off their products, adhering to the methods that many grave robbers and treasure hunters of old came to realize: You make more money if you sell it in pieces.

And to anyone who bought the $15 recycled map pack for Modern Warfare 2, you are not helping! >=O