Dragon Age! The Musical

I remember seeing Eric Idle's musical Spamalot, based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail earlier this year. I had a good time, but I couldn't help thinking, Gosh! This is fun and all, but if only it were more like my own masterpiece MOCK EFFECT BY MISTER BUCH, the parody that took the world by storm.

Well! I don't know why he hasn't posted anything about it, but Knight has been writing a script parody of the beloved Dragon Age: Origins.

I love script parodies, and this is a very fine one so far. It's about time Knight wrote one!
Sadly fanfiction.net doesn't accept anything in script form because it's beneath their high quality standards (however they do accept porn stories about Pokemon).
But we can at least advertise it here, for what that's worth ;)

Here it is - Dragon Age! The Musical

And here's a bit of it:


[You, That Guy, and That Other Guy sit down while Alistair moves to stand next to the altar.]

DUNCAN: As part of the Joining, Alistair will recite the words that have preceded this ritual every time since the beginning. Alistair, if you would.

[Alistair clears his throat and lowers his head.]

ALISTAIR [solemnly]: Na Na...Na Na Na Na...Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye...

DUNCAN: And so we proceed. You, That Guy, please step forward.

[Duncan holds out a chalice filled with lyrium-enriched darkspawn blood.]

THAT GUY: You...want me to drink that?

DUNCAN: It is the blood of the darkspawn that gives a Grey Warden their power. It allows you to sense the taint, giving you the ability to sense the darkspawn themselves. It's completely safe.

THAT GUY: Really? It's safe?

DUNCAN: Oh my, no. Down the hatch.

ALISTAIR: Drinking the blood gives us the only tool capable of impeding the darkspawn advances.

THAT GUY: I don't see how. How does being able to sense an army numbered in the thousands give you any sort of advantage? That's like being able to sense when it's going to rain.

ALISTAIR: Well, you don't have to, I guess. We thought you were a cool guy, but I guess we were wrong.

DUNCAN: Indeed. He did seem like a cool guy when I invited him to join, but that does not appear to be the case. He's lame.

THAT GUY: That's not true! I'm totally cool! Watch!

[That Guy drinks the entire chalice and slams it back on the altar. His smile is wide for a moment, until he begins to feel the effects. He crumples to the ground.]

THAT GUY: Damn you...peer pressure. You've done me in again...

[He dies.]

WARDEN: Wowsers.

THAT OTHER GUY: No! No, no, no!

[That Other Guy withdraws.]

THAT OTHER GUY: No, I won't do this! You never said anything about this!

ALISTAIR: That's too bad. We thought you were a cool guy.

DUNCAN: I, too, thought he was cool, but he appears to be nothing but an anti-Fonz.

THAT OTHER GUY: No, I won't give in to your peer pressure so easily.

[Just then, Duncan sprints from the altar, descends on That Other Guy, and drives his blade through the man's gut. As the life begins to drain from That Other Guy's eyes, he spots a cherry blossom tree on the other side of the platform. A breeze whips through its leaves, sending pink pedals into the air.]

THAT OTHER GUY: ...Perfect...[He slumps.] They are all...perfect...

[He dies. Duncan wipes his fingerprints off the blade and places it in That Other Guy's hand.]

DUNCAN: It was suicide. You all saw it, right? [He glares at you.] Right?

WARDEN: If I can get through this Joining without dying, then I didn't see a thing.

DUNCAN: That's what I like to hear.