Sometimes here at 'Disingenuous Assertions' Headquarters I run out of things to write about. Originally the site was conceived for me and Knightfall1138 to talk about and post fanfiction, but lately, I've gone off fanfic, had writer's block, and had very little time for writing altogether. Since then Knight focuses on interesting book talk, nerd news and up-to-the-minute game reviews written better than anything on Gamespot. Meanwhile I've been specialising in being drunk and reviewing things everyone else read ten years ago.
Today I can't think of anything better to do than review a lot of the 'Indie' games available on Xbox Live. I finally got my Xbox 360 hooked up to the internet the other day, and the first thing I did was see what I could download to celebrate. After I grabbed the new Mass Effect 2 expansion and a remade 'Earthworm Jim' (why remake it? what was wrong with the original version?!) I had a few pounds left. Then for the first time I noticed the Indie Games section. These are small, usually short, and simple games produced by 'the community' and not in any way quality-tested or approved by Microsoft. It's like an open forum - ordinary people just make small games and and put them up there for 80 gamerpoints (about one US dollar) each - I love that idea!
I've always enjoyed inding small, free/cheap games online and trying them out. And there are some great examples, Like 'Braid', 'N' and recently 'Super Mario Crossover', which have become big deals because honestly, they're better than anything similar that the profesionals are making these days.
So... I downloaded 25 of them mostly at random (I only paid for about half, the rest are demo versions) and thought, 'Maybe I can justify this colossal waste of time and money by blogging about it.'
So, in no particular, order let's play...
1) A Game of Tennis
Blurb: "Classic tennis, updated with modern features! Single player, Local and Online Multiplayer modes, plus online Scoreboards bring this favorite into the 21st Century!"
Initial reaction: Hey does that mean Pong? That's great! I love Pong! I hope it's close to the original versions and not all fancy like that stupid Space Invaders Remix crap.
2) The MANLY Game for MANLY Men
Blurb: "In the pursuit of true MANLINESS, hurl your Avatar down four scenic locations around the world while collecting ACME MAN BLAST. Are you manly enough to become the MANLIEST of MEN?!"
Initial reaction: You're DAMN RIGHT I'm MANLY enough!! How manly do you have to be to become the manliest anyway - slightly less manly than the existing manliest? Perhaps I will find the ANSWERS when I DOWNLOAD this MANLY game!!!
The game: This one was not good. I think the designers put all their creative input into the funny 'Manly' thing and the very funny intro sequence, and forgot to add a game at the end. It is 3D, which is unusual among the games I downloaded. Your avatar simply falls slowly down a (not terribly scenic) mountainside while you attempt to steer him toward bottles of aftershave, which you're trying to collect. Eventually he runs out of momentum and stops. You can use a 'boost' once to send him back into the air and get some more speed. But honestly, you won't want to. This marks the first of many Indie games I downloaded because I thought the title was funny. This strategy actually led me to two very good games later on... but also...
3) Baby Maker Extreme
Blurb: "Are you extreme enough for Baby Maker Extreme? Experience the most extreme embryonic event enhanced by your electronic entertainment equipment. Simulate the miracle of life in a way only video games can. Download Baby Maker Extreme and prepare to be blown away."
Initial reaction: What?
The game: In this 2D skill game, you launch a newborn baby from a faceless woman's womb, then proceed to see how far across the hospital you can make that flight go, by trying to bounce the infant off the corners of objects and people. Just like 'Manly Men' you also have a boost for renewed speed.The first choice is 'Baby Mode' (the ball is a baby) and 'Avatar Mode' (a 3D cartoon of me in the foetal position). I picked Avatar Mode for slightly fewer night-terrors. After that there is a little rhythm game to simulate heavy breathing, and.... God, this is awful.
4) Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme!
Blurb: "There is only one way to definitively end a conflict: Rock Paper Scissors. In Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme: Challenge of the Fists you can battle your enemies and friends in local match, over Xbox Live or, if you are without friends, fight a computer opponent."
Initial reaction: Rock, paper, scissors? Bloody hell. Okay let's see how Xtreme it is.
The game: Well you can't complain when the game is just Rock, Paper, Scissors. It's okay. One of the hands that comes up has a leather glove on, which is pretty Xtreme where I come from. There are funky music and backgrounds... little voice clips. It made me smile. It also boasts three mini-games if you pay the money... 'Mystical Fortune Teller', 'Controller Race' and 'Controller Massage'. Controller... what in the?..... click, click, click.....
'Mystic Fortune Teller' is a Magic 8 Ball. All right, next game...
'Controller Race' makes your controllers vibrate for a few seconds. I think that's actually so bad it's good!
And 'Controller Massage' makes the controller vibrate until you stop it. The idea is that you put in on your neck or feet, and the instructions creeped me out by telling me not to use it inappropriately. Ewwwwww! I hadn't even thought of that till you said it, game!!
I paid a pound for rock, paper, scissors.
5) Advanced Rock Paper Scissors
Blurb: "Advanced Rock Paper Scissors with a twist."
Initial reaction: Succinct and to the point, I see. Good for you. You're taking this rock, paper, scissors thing seriously. Maybe this time we won't be pissing around with Magic 8 Balls and vibrating controllers. Let's do this.
Reaction after I started up the game: Whuh..... what in the... is this Pazaak?! Noooooooo!
The game: Well, 'advanced' is right. You look at that pciture and see if you can tell me what the hell is going on. Basically the three hand positions are here replaced by fire, earth and water (I forget which beats which) and both players are dealt cards with the elements, and score numbers, on them. If you win a hand, you win the scores on the cards... and what the hell does this have to do with rock, paper, scissors?!
6) A Perfect Massage
Blurb: "Relax enjoying different automatic massage sessions using your pad vibrations. Or make your own massage session with the manual mode. Take control of all other pads if you wish! The best XBOX massager ever!"
Initial reaction: Quite a boast, game! Espescially considering that there are absolutely loads of these massage games available on the (pretty big) Indie Games list. One of them (which I ended up not downloading) said you could program another player's massage, which made it 'perfect for long distance relationships'. I thought that was the most adorable thing I'd ever read... but then I remembered the creepy warning on 'Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme' and the moment was ruined.
The game: You can make your own massage programme or pick one of four. That's actually pretty impressive! I went with Swedish, and put the controller on my lower back and started typing...I have an Xbox controller vibrating against my back. What on Earth happenned to my life.
7) BlindGiRL
Blurb: "BlindGiRL is lost in a world of darkness and confusion. Can you help her overcome her fears, and find the path to understanding?"
Initial reaction: Blind Girl? It's called 'Blind Girl?'
The game: Well, you're a blind girl, trying to find your way out of a maze. Huh. Blindness is represented by the walls being only visible when you're near them, as if you're feeling your way around. Every level is unique and there are lots of gadgets which make her seem less blind, but keep the game fresh. There seems to be a rhyming storyline, reminiscent of the one in 'Wik: Fable of Souls'. There's an interesting musical motif here too and a genuinely unsettling atmosphere. And I have to say, it's profesionally-made and original. But... it's a maze in the dark. Even though I would like to see what that story turns into in the game proper, I got bored.
8) Molly the Were-Zompire
Blurb: "Finding a magical portal to another world? Cool! Being killed soon upon arrival? Not cool. Turning into a Were-Zompire (Werewolf + Zombie + Vampire) and gaining amazing power? Very cool! Embarking on an interactive story with many different paths and endings? Totally awesome!"
Initial Reaction: Whoah, what's this about zombies? Cool! And - is this a text game? I can have a text game game on Xbox 360? This is what's really, truly excellent about these modern Internet-linked games consoles. Variety and nostalgia.
The game: IS AWESOME. It's pretty much what you'd expect - press A to do this, press X to say that, press Y to run away - but it's a very, very good example of a comedy choose-your-own-adventure story. It's long, and every option feels fully fleshed out and packed with fresh, geeky, tongue-in-cheek, sweet humour. There are even brilliant stick-illustrations every now and again, just to make sure you don't treat the adventure with any degree of seriousness. I keep running across funny passages I might want to put in here, but I couldn't pick one. Also, despite the very simple gameplay, it really doesn't feel amateurish or rushed in the way many of these Indie games seem to. This is a small but shiny gem, with a pleasant piano soundtrack and everything.
Download this! It's excellent.
Wonderful. That made me feel like this whole experience was worthwhile. Now let's find some other great, well-written, original concepts.
9) ULTRA-POWERED MASSAGER!
Blurb: "This is the most powerful massage app on the Xbox 360. No vibration app has stronger vibraions than those featured here. Get ready for a truly brain-numbing experience. Can YOU handle the intensity?!"
Apology: I know, I know. But look at the blurb! Brain-numbing! Honestly, to get my interest, all you need to do is put things in capital letters and ask a direct, challenging question. All right, let's see if this numbs my brain.
The game: It made my controller vibrate heavily (no fancy Swedish rhythms or anything) and there were a couple of simple mini games. One of them was actually kinda fun, and the other was just 'how many times can you press the A button in ten seconds?'
All of this is set to a repeating, 5-second loop of generic heavy metal, which is just what you want to hear while you're getting a massage!
10) GET TO THA CHOPPA!!1
Blurb: "Zombie apocalypse has come!!1 Can you survive zombie hordes, mines and heat-seeking missles to safely get to tha choppa in this twisted and addictive reaction game? Global high scores will put your skill to the ultimate test!"
Initial reaction: Heh heh. Tha Choppa. Heh heh heh. Two other words that never fail to win my attention are 'ultimate' and 'zombie'. If you include them in a question to me you will get an instant yes ('Chris, will you do me the honour of being the ULTIMATE husband and defeating my invincible loneliness? DARE YOU accept the challenge of building a long-lasting and zombie-proof family unit???')
The game: This is one of the ones I was expecting to hate, but actually ended up really liking. I can't find a picture, which is annoying because it looks good (in that 'deliberately bad' kindof way, like 'Alien Homonid') and it's hard to explain. It's a test of reaction time. You're a guy running forever to the right. To your left is the zombie horde and to your right are tha choppa and three types randomly spawning obstacles - zombies (shoot them by tapping X) mines (jump over them with A) and missiles (duck with the joystick). So they come at you on a conveyor belt, and you just see how long you can last as the obstacles come thicker and faster. I guess eventually you get to tha choppa, but I haven;t managed it! It sounds dull, but the fluid controls, silly visuals and perfect pace make it a lot of fun. And the music is inexplicably enjoyable as well.
This one charms you in a way you don't expect! I really like it. The only flaw is that when I'm connected to Xbox Live, it gets juddery and laggy. At a high speed, that'll kill you instantly! So disconnect first.
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And that's that! If this makes me smile in the morning, or it goes down well, I'll do a second part and play the rest of the 'Indie Games' I downloaded!
In the meantime - I urge you to check some of these games out. Amongst the rubbish and the games that didn't quite work, there are some fantastic ones.
Now that I'm on Xbox Live, my nickname there is 'Mister Buch' same as everywhere. Add me if you fancy A Game of Tennis, but not if you want a massage!
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EDIT: As of now, I'm ranked 196th in the WORLD at Get To The Choppa!! That's another thing I really like about these games - they make you care about scores again. Remember the last time you bothered to look at how many 'points' you had? Well I have slightly more points than yooo408 but not as many points as x UK DogTagZz x.
EDIT EDIT (One year later): Looking back on this article, I'm genuinely astonished at how naiive I was last year. I now realise what the massage games are supposed to be used for. How in the hell did I not realise that...
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