Indie Games (part 1)

Sometimes here at 'Disingenuous Assertions' Headquarters I run out of things to write about. Originally the site was conceived for me and Knightfall1138 to talk about and post fanfiction, but lately, I've gone off fanfic, had writer's block, and had very little time for writing altogether. Since then Knight focuses on interesting book talk, nerd news and up-to-the-minute game reviews written better than anything on Gamespot. Meanwhile I've been specialising in being drunk and reviewing things everyone else read ten years ago.

Today I can't think of anything better to do than review a lot of the 'Indie' games available on Xbox Live. I finally got my Xbox 360 hooked up to the internet the other day, and the first thing I did was see what I could download to celebrate. After I grabbed the new Mass Effect 2 expansion and a remade 'Earthworm Jim' (why remake it? what was wrong with the original version?!) I had a few pounds left. Then for the first time I noticed the Indie Games section. These are small, usually short, and simple games produced by 'the community' and not in any way quality-tested or approved by Microsoft. It's like an open forum - ordinary people just make small games and and put them up there for 80 gamerpoints (about one US dollar) each - I love that idea!

I've always enjoyed inding small, free/cheap games online and trying them out. And there are some great examples, Like 'Braid', 'N' and recently 'Super Mario Crossover', which have become big deals because honestly, they're better than anything similar that the profesionals are making these days.

So... I downloaded 25 of them mostly at random (I only paid for about half, the rest are demo versions) and thought, 'Maybe I can justify this colossal waste of time and money by blogging about it.'
So, in no particular, order let's play...

1) A Game of Tennis
Blurb: "Classic tennis, updated with modern features! Single player, Local and Online Multiplayer modes, plus online Scoreboards bring this favorite into the 21st Century!"
Initial reaction: Hey does that mean Pong? That's great! I love Pong! I hope it's close to the original versions and not all fancy like that stupid Space Invaders Remix crap.

The game: Yeah! It's a very solid, very old-fashioned game of Pong, on a home console that has joysticks on its controllers. Perfect! Also the ability to play online is a nice feature. This is exactly what you want - or what I want - from Xbox Live. Pong. Every videogame fan should have some kind of Pong game at her disposal, and this costs one pound. There's nothing to complain about except the title and the pretty easy difficulty on single-player mode. Well, it seemed easy to me, but I am a Pong God, so.


2) The MANLY Game for MANLY Men
Blurb: "In the pursuit of true MANLINESS, hurl your Avatar down four scenic locations around the world while collecting ACME MAN BLAST. Are you manly enough to become the MANLIEST of MEN?!"
Initial reaction: You're DAMN RIGHT I'm MANLY enough!! How manly do you have to be to become the manliest anyway - slightly less manly than the existing manliest? Perhaps I will find the ANSWERS when I DOWNLOAD this MANLY game!!!

The game: This one was not good. I think the designers put all their creative input into the funny 'Manly' thing and the very funny intro sequence, and forgot to add a game at the end. It is 3D, which is unusual among the games I downloaded. Your avatar simply falls slowly down a (not terribly scenic) mountainside while you attempt to steer him toward bottles of aftershave, which you're trying to collect. Eventually he runs out of momentum and stops. You can use a 'boost' once to send him back into the air and get some more speed. But honestly, you won't want to. This marks the first of many Indie games I downloaded because I thought the title was funny. This strategy actually led me to two very good games later on... but also...

3) Baby Maker Extreme
Blurb: "Are you extreme enough for Baby Maker Extreme? Experience the most extreme embryonic event enhanced by your electronic entertainment equipment. Simulate the miracle of life in a way only video games can. Download Baby Maker Extreme and prepare to be blown away."
Initial reaction: What?

The game: In this 2D skill game, you launch a newborn baby from a faceless woman's womb, then proceed to see how far across the hospital you can make that flight go, by trying to bounce the infant off the corners of objects and people. Just like 'Manly Men' you also have a boost for renewed speed.
The first choice is 'Baby Mode' (the ball is a baby) and 'Avatar Mode' (a 3D cartoon of me in the foetal position). I picked Avatar Mode for slightly fewer night-terrors. After that there is a little rhythm game to simulate heavy breathing, and.... God, this is awful.


4) Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme!
Blurb: "There is only one way to definitively end a conflict: Rock Paper Scissors. In Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme: Challenge of the Fists you can battle your enemies and friends in local match, over Xbox Live or, if you are without friends, fight a computer opponent."
Initial reaction: Rock, paper, scissors? Bloody hell. Okay let's see how Xtreme it is.

The game: Well you can't complain when the game is just Rock, Paper, Scissors. It's okay. One of the hands that comes up has a leather glove on, which is pretty Xtreme where I come from. There are funky music and backgrounds... little voice clips. It made me smile. It also boasts three mini-games if you pay the money... 'Mystical Fortune Teller', 'Controller Race' and 'Controller Massage'. Controller... what in the?..... click, click, click.....
'Mystic Fortune Teller' is a Magic 8 Ball. All right, next game...
'Controller Race' makes your controllers vibrate for a few seconds. I think that's actually so bad it's good!
And 'Controller Massage' makes the controller vibrate until you stop it. The idea is that you put in on your neck or feet, and the instructions creeped me out by telling me not to use it inappropriately. Ewwwwww! I hadn't even thought of that till you said it, game!!
I paid a pound for rock, paper, scissors.

5) Advanced Rock Paper Scissors
Blurb: "Advanced Rock Paper Scissors with a twist."
Initial reaction: Succinct and to the point, I see. Good for you. You're taking this rock, paper, scissors thing seriously. Maybe this time we won't be pissing around with Magic 8 Balls and vibrating controllers. Let's do this.


Reaction after I started up the game: Whuh..... what in the... is this Pazaak?! Noooooooo!
The game: Well, 'advanced' is right. You look at that pciture and see if you can tell me what the hell is going on. Basically the three hand positions are here replaced by fire, earth and water (I forget which beats which) and both players are dealt cards with the elements, and score numbers, on them. If you win a hand, you win the scores on the cards... and what the hell does this have to do with rock, paper, scissors?!

6) A Perfect Massage
Blurb: "Relax enjoying different automatic massage sessions using your pad vibrations. Or make your own massage session with the manual mode. Take control of all other pads if you wish! The best XBOX massager ever!"
Initial reaction: Quite a boast, game! Espescially considering that there are absolutely loads of these massage games available on the (pretty big) Indie Games list. One of them (which I ended up not downloading) said you could program another player's massage, which made it 'perfect for long distance relationships'. I thought that was the most adorable thing I'd ever read... but then I remembered the creepy warning on 'Rock Paper Scissors Xtreme' and the moment was ruined.The game: You can make your own massage programme or pick one of four. That's actually pretty impressive! I went with Swedish, and put the controller on my lower back and started typing...
I have an Xbox controller vibrating against my back. What on Earth happenned to my life.

7) BlindGiRL
Blurb: "BlindGiRL is lost in a world of darkness and confusion. Can you help her overcome her fears, and find the path to understanding?"
Initial reaction: Blind Girl? It's called 'Blind Girl?'

The game: Well, you're a blind girl, trying to find your way out of a maze. Huh. Blindness is represented by the walls being only visible when you're near them, as if you're feeling your way around. Every level is unique and there are lots of gadgets which make her seem less blind, but keep the game fresh. There seems to be a rhyming storyline, reminiscent of the one in 'Wik: Fable of Souls'. There's an interesting musical motif here too and a genuinely unsettling atmosphere. And I have to say, it's profesionally-made and original. But... it's a maze in the dark. Even though I would like to see what that story turns into in the game proper, I got bored.

8) Molly the Were-Zompire
Blurb: "Finding a magical portal to another world? Cool! Being killed soon upon arrival? Not cool. Turning into a Were-Zompire (Werewolf + Zombie + Vampire) and gaining amazing power? Very cool! Embarking on an interactive story with many different paths and endings? Totally awesome!"
Initial Reaction: Whoah, what's this about zombies? Cool! And - is this a text game? I can have a text game game on Xbox 360? This is what's really, truly excellent about these modern Internet-linked games consoles. Variety and nostalgia.


The game: IS AWESOME. It's pretty much what you'd expect - press A to do this, press X to say that, press Y to run away - but it's a very, very good example of a comedy choose-your-own-adventure story. It's long, and every option feels fully fleshed out and packed with fresh, geeky, tongue-in-cheek, sweet humour. There are even brilliant stick-illustrations every now and again, just to make sure you don't treat the adventure with any degree of seriousness. I keep running across funny passages I might want to put in here, but I couldn't pick one. Also, despite the very simple gameplay, it really doesn't feel amateurish or rushed in the way many of these Indie games seem to. This is a small but shiny gem, with a pleasant piano soundtrack and everything.

Download this! It's excellent.

Wonderful. That made me feel like this whole experience was worthwhile. Now let's find some other great, well-written, original concepts.


9) ULTRA-POWERED MASSAGER!
Blurb: "This is the most powerful massage app on the Xbox 360. No vibration app has stronger vibraions than those featured here. Get ready for a truly brain-numbing experience. Can YOU handle the intensity?!"
Apology: I know, I know. But look at the blurb! Brain-numbing! Honestly, to get my interest, all you need to do is put things in capital letters and ask a direct, challenging question. All right, let's see if this numbs my brain.


The game: It made my controller vibrate heavily (no fancy Swedish rhythms or anything) and there were a couple of simple mini games. One of them was actually kinda fun, and the other was just 'how many times can you press the A button in ten seconds?'
All of this is set to a repeating, 5-second loop of generic heavy metal, which is just what you want to hear while you're getting a massage!


10) GET TO THA CHOPPA!!1
Blurb: "Zombie apocalypse has come!!1 Can you survive zombie hordes, mines and heat-seeking missles to safely get to tha choppa in this twisted and addictive reaction game? Global high scores will put your skill to the ultimate test!"
Initial reaction: Heh heh. Tha Choppa. Heh heh heh. Two other words that never fail to win my attention are 'ultimate' and 'zombie'. If you include them in a question to me you will get an instant yes ('Chris, will you do me the honour of being the ULTIMATE husband and defeating my invincible loneliness? DARE YOU accept the challenge of building a long-lasting and zombie-proof family unit???')

The game: This is one of the ones I was expecting to hate, but actually ended up really liking. I can't find a picture, which is annoying because it looks good (in that 'deliberately bad' kindof way, like 'Alien Homonid') and it's hard to explain. It's a test of reaction time. You're a guy running forever to the right. To your left is the zombie horde and to your right are tha choppa and three types randomly spawning obstacles - zombies (shoot them by tapping X) mines (jump over them with A) and missiles (duck with the joystick). So they come at you on a conveyor belt, and you just see how long you can last as the obstacles come thicker and faster. I guess eventually you get to tha choppa, but I haven;t managed it! It sounds dull, but the fluid controls, silly visuals and perfect pace make it a lot of fun. And the music is inexplicably enjoyable as well.
This one charms you in a way you don't expect! I really like it. The only flaw is that when I'm connected to Xbox Live, it gets juddery and laggy. At a high speed, that'll kill you instantly! So disconnect first.


-------

And that's that! If this makes me smile in the morning, or it goes down well, I'll do a second part and play the rest of the 'Indie Games' I downloaded!

In the meantime - I urge you to check some of these games out. Amongst the rubbish and the games that didn't quite work, there are some fantastic ones.

Now that I'm on Xbox Live, my nickname there is 'Mister Buch' same as everywhere. Add me if you fancy A Game of Tennis, but not if you want a massage!

-----

EDIT: As of now, I'm ranked 196th in the WORLD at Get To The Choppa!! That's another thing I really like about these games - they make you care about scores again. Remember the last time you bothered to look at how many 'points' you had? Well I have slightly more points than yooo408 but not as many points as x UK DogTagZz x.

EDIT EDIT (One year later): Looking back on this article, I'm genuinely astonished at how naiive I was last year. I now realise what the massage games are supposed to be used for. How in the hell did I not realise that...

Game Review: Prince of Persia

I had a gift card, so I bought it. The main reason being that it was only $20, and another reason being that the back of the case promised an "open world" adventure. I was like, "Okay!" Sounds good to me. I had pretty much played Red Dead Redemption into the red dead dust a few days before, so I needed something new to mess around with: preferably something that would take me awhile to get through.

Plus, I have fond memories of my last Prince of Persia outing, which would have been Sands of Time. Ah, the Gamecube days.

Anyway, I get the game and, first of all, I'm blown away by the visuals. UbiSoft have taken cel-shading graphics to new heights in this game. They brought back fond memories of Wind Waker, and Assassin's Creed; a fantasy world that seemed like something ripped from a fairy tale, and the freedom such a world should provide.

You go through a quick tutorial, where you learn how you will be traveling across...Persia? It's like Assassin's Creed, but waaaaay simpler. You approach a wall, press A, and you're running across it. You approach a gap, press A, and you're jumping across it. You approach a series of pillars, press A, and you'll jump from pillar to pillar.

I'm making this sound simple because it is. This game is devastatingly simple. Mario is laughing at this games simplicity. A jumping, Italian plumber has a more complicated and challenging game than the Prince of Persia.

And, see, I could even deal with that, had the "open world' actually been open. It's not. It's as open as your typical Mario game. In fact, if you took Super Mario Galaxy, took all those levels, stages, so on, and linked them all together into an Oblivion-type free-roaming setting, you would have Prince of Persia. But, unlike Super Mario Galaxy, the Prince's world is a very, very boring one.

It's you (the Prince) and the princess, a girl named Elika. That's it. You will have nil contact with any other human in the game (save for one, but he doesn't count). This world, though crazily, visually inspiring, is pretty much dead. Maybe that was the point of the story. This "open world" game is very empty.

EVEN THEN, I could have dealt with the game. The simplistic controls, the awesome, yet desolate, world, the lack of a good story. I could have dealt with all of that, but there's one other thing that just slapped me across the face. Aside from the boss battles, you'll only fight one other enemy per level. So, once again, bring back to mind that linked together Oblivion-type Mario world I was talking about, and then imagine there is exactly one other enemy per level.

This game is devoid of story, open world, and any challenge. Not to even mention the fact that you cannot die in this game. No matter what ledge you jump off of, your princess companion will be there to catch you. Every. Single. Tiiiiiime.

This game is the anti-Knight. It's the type of game that I try to avoid every time I put money down, which is a rare event in itself. It has beautiful visuals, and, additionally, a beautiful score by the composer of Dragon Age: Origins, Inon Zur. (Here's a sample from the game.)

To that end, there is one - and only one- reason why I am not only keeping the game, but will be keeping an eye out for an eventual sequel: the characters. Despite all of this game's failings, and there are many, the Prince With No Name and Elika are very, very well-written. I mean...it's like David Gaider and Drew Karpyshyn took a brief vacation and wrote all of the dialogue for this game. It's reflective, it's funny, it's tear-jerking. I wanted there to be a book about them that I could read.

This here's one of my most favorite conversations in the game: RIGHT HERE.

So, the characters got to me. Despite literally EVERYTHING else in the game working against me, the characters saved it. And the ending made me want to know what would happen to the Prince and Elika, enough that I'll likely buy a sequel, should they ever make one. And I'm hoping that UbiSoft puts as much effort into said sequel as they have with their other amazing sequels of late (i.e. Assassin's Creed II).

So, can I recommend this game? It's very hard for me to. Unless you happen to be walking along in a shop and find it for under $20, I'd say go for it. Other than that, you might as well do what I'm doing and wait for the eventual, more competently-executed, sequel.

Authors are filthy, lying bastards (Crs Buchanan's classic tale of lost love and discovery)

Three years ago (it might have been four) my girlfriend-at-the-time Wendy gave me a copy of The Princess Bride as a birthday present. She inscribed it 'to my Princess Bride' in an attempt to piss me off, and it absolutely worked. She also threatened to send me flowers - secretly I wished she had ;)
I love flowers.

I'd never read the book - I was only a little bit aware of the film but didn't know anything about that either. The novel had a long introduction, where author William Goldman told the fascinating story of how S. Morgenstern's classic (and very long) novel 'The Princess Bride' had changed his life. He explained immediately that this novel was not his own work, but an abridged version of Morgenstern's masterpiece. This introduction went on and on, detailing how the book helped him grow to find his talent as an author, and about sharing it with his family. He wrote at length about the process of adapting the old text, filming it as a movie, and the legal trouble he had had with the late Mr Morgenstern's estate. If it hadn't been a gift from a girl I was absolutely crazy about, I might have given up, confused and wondering what the point was. (I like to think I have more patience now, due in no small part to Wendy.)



There was one tiny thing that confused me - he kept talking about the European country 'Florin', where it was supposedly written, as well as set. I live in Europe, and I'd never heard of any nation going by that name... though I was familiar with the coin. Aha! I thought, about a third of the way into into it. This is rubbish. It's an in-joke. There was no S. Morgernstern - Goldman was playing with my head, and apparently just because he thought it was funny. The way he did this, and the little obvious-lies that tipped me off, made me laugh, and suddenly I couldn't put this big intro down. I wanted to beat him, by figuring out what bits were false and what bits were true. I called up Wendy and thanked her for the gift, telling her how much fun I was having before the story had even begun.

By the end of the intro, I had it all figured out. The part about his teacher, that was true. The part about S. Morgenstern's book inspiring him were not. The part about being tempted by a Hollywood actress was false, but the part about his strained relationship with his wife and fat son - that was so brutally honest and touching, it had to be true.

I looked him up afterwards, only to discover that every single word was fiction - there for no reason other than setting up the hilarious pretend-annotations he included in every chapter. I kept imagining Goldman laughing at me for feeling bad for the son he never had, empathising with his pretend adoration of his pretend wife - and it made the book ten times better.

Later, when I saw the film version with Wendy (she had watched it plenty of times as a kid and wondered what I, the big reader, would think of the movie), I was really disappointed. For one thing, almost none of the characters were how I imagined them (Cary Elwes, you don't count - you NAILED it, sir) the story was different in places, and Peter Falk kept interrupting, talking to the kid from The Wonder Years about the plot.

The movie missed out on the best part of the book - unlike the brilliant novel, never once did it actually try to fool you. It was a story-in-a-story... kinda... but an obvious one. Peter Falk wasn't lying, he was acting. And thus, his scenes seemed pointless to me: a pale, meaningless imitation of Goldman's glorious tall tales and disingenuous assertions.

Tell you what though - that movie has a killer music score. I like the film, by the way - it's just that the novel is a million times better, primarily because of the lie.

***


At the moment I'm reading Wm (I think that means William - what's with these lying Williams?) Paul Young's novel, The Shack. Beneath the title it says, 'Where tragedy confronts eternity' - which made me chuckle because it sounds a bit like it's going to be a long, hard read.

This is a very famous 'Christian book' about a man who spends a weekend talking to God. Every review or quote listed on the jacket or inside talks about how faith-affirming it is, and not one actually mentions its quality as a novel. Fair enough - it's a book with a message, and the fans like it not for its quality, but for what it represents. No problem. I like a lot of really bad 'gay movies' because of their tacked-on pro-equality messages, so I can appreciate where the Christian reviewers are coming from here. Curious, I decided to give it a read and see for myself. For once, I wasn't setting out to criticise, just to see what the fuss was about. And, honestly, as a one-time Christian myself, I wanted to see if this sensationally-popular first novel would have any effect on my own views.

I'm about half-way in at the moment, so I'm not reviewing it here. So far it seems fine, maybe slightly below average, but I haven't finished it so what do I know.

I mention it because it begins with an introduction by Young, explaining how the protagonist, Mackenzie 'Mack' Allen Philips, is a close friend of his and how everything that happened is accurate, as far as he and Mack can remember it. Oh! I thought, like a sucker, my three-year old warning system failing to spark enough synapses to get through the accumulated dust. This is actually true? A guy really claimed to have spent a weekend with God, and this is more-or less his own account? Well, this I gotta see. No wonder it's done so much to affirm people's faiths. Imagine if it really happened...

And I started reading, and enjoyed it quite a bit. The quality of the actual writing is sometimes not great - and the author has a real tendency to lapse into All-American hugs-and-prayers cheesy bullshit (in particular there is a scene where Mr Young actually casts himself as Mack's wise, friendly and all-around awesome best friend, who does everything he can to help the guy out. It's actually pretty funny how cool he makes himself sound.) But - I was enjoying the book and the writing plenty, despite flaws. (No author is without jarring flaws that seem obvious to everyone but him.)

The plot has problems too - in that it seems very stock and unoriginal, in parts. I don't think I'm giving anything away by mentioning that Mack's daughter is kidnapped and presumably killed early on - and there are to chapters detailing the experience. Throughout these I kept thinking that the section of the story was rather unoriginal and dull. But - how could I fault the author for that? This is what really happened, after all - as accurate as he could write it with memory - and honestly, how could I pick the chapter apart when it detailed the actual kidnapping of an actual little girl? I'm a sarcastic git, but not a monster.

Well, obviously... as you'll have guessed if you didn't know... there is no Mack. The book is pure fiction, though details are based around the author's own life and maybe even his wife's personality is in there too - just like every book ever. Whereas this same trick enthralled me when William Goldman did it, this time I just don't see the point!
Even in the Blair Witch Project, the fake true story helped to make it scarier. What does this achieve - trick you into finding it more moving? That's cheating, Wm.

The Da Vinci Code was full of lies, too. At the beginning there is the now-famous 'FACT' page, which is just a list of all-but-proven hoaxes and speculative opinions, all of which are twisted beyond recognition to serve the (really thrilling) plot later.

Suddenly The Shack doesn't seem as good. I'm still enjoying it, but what was a harrowing, painful-to-read kidnapping is now a formulaic, by-the-numbers book plot. What was an author making himself look good in an unavoidable cameo is now... just really silly.

Fooled yet again.

**

I'm not sure what my point is in this article. But it's interesting how the two books sparked such different reactions in me with the same trick. I guess when a comedian tells you a lie and winks as he does, it's different.
Now I could be wrong here - I could be doing Young a great disservice. Again, I haven't finished it yet, so I'll reserve judgement. I have more patience now - thanks Wendy. I wish I could have shared this story with you too.

Next I'm going to read A Study in Scarlet by one John Hamish Watson. I read the first couple of chapters last week and I'm amazed by the central character, once again an old friend of the author. Can't believe this guy, man. Also there is a new videogame about the time he caught Jack the Ripper, which I will be playing later. I didn't even know that Jack was eventually caught!

I think from now on I'll stick to true-stories that are actually true. I'm sick of being made to look a fool.


** n.b. All the details in this blog entry about myself and my life are false. **

The Dragon Age Conspiracy

Before this starts off, I'd just like to say that this: I'm not trying to badmouth BioWare or try to slander their good name (but what kinda name is BioWare anyway?); this is just me blabbering on about something I noticed, and given EA's track record, it might be true. Just wanted to get it all down for my sake, and for the lulz.

The Dragon Age Conspiracy:

What I will be theorizing here is that Dragon Age was a game that was ultimately put on the back burner by BioWare, but was resurrected for cash moneys, regardless of the condition it was in. Sound crazy? It probably is. Let's begin!

Fact #1: DA was announced in 2004:

BioWare was riding high in 2004, fresh off the success of Knights of the Old Republic and would soon release their next game, Jade Empire, next year. But during E3 2004, they announced that they were also hard at work on another ip called Dragon Age for PC and (possibly) the original X-Box. If you take a look at the IGN article HERE, you can see that what it looked like back then was a farcry from what it would eventually become, but at the same time...you can see similarities. Based on the article, the game had already been in production for 18 months. So, we're talking late 2002, early 2003 as the time this game got going. The backstory had already been constructed and so on.

But it's my opinion that production ultimately grounded to a halt, given the coming of the brand new X-Box 360 and graphically superior games on the PC, like Half Life 2. Lots of games were canceled like this, so it's not completely weird. In any case, we never hear about Dragon Age again after that, not for many years. It was always that game that was going to come out "when it's done."

Fact #2: DA is one of the ugliest games on the 360:

So, Dragon Age finally comes out on consoles. Maybe it was never supposed to be ported in such a manner...I dunno, but the PC version doesn't look much better. The visuals are cleaner, but that's about it. The reason it reminded so many people of KotOR is because it was practically the same game redressed in a fantasy setting. Very archaic zones, lots of similar-looking bad guys, and practically the same engine. But in a world were every other RPG looks more than acceptable, DA couldn't even meet BioWare's own graphical standards for RPGs, considering Mass Effect 2 is one of the best looking games ever.

Soooo, here we have a game that's been in production for AT LEAST six years, seven years at the most. And what do we get? Well...it's a good game! Can't argue that. But it wasn't the gameplay and environments that made the game for me. As always, it was the characters and the writing. What does that say? That BioWare aren't perfect? Maybe.

But like I said, DA went largely into the dark after its initial announcement, and it only really resurfaced in 2008, when details about the game and a name change to Dragon Age: Origins was announced. It was sort of an odd event, but not when you consider that in the previous year: BioWare had just been bought out by Electronic Arts. And if you are a BioWare fan, you'd know that that's when everything started getting weird.

Suddenly, we weren't waiting years for new games to be released; they were all coming out tomorrow. =O

Fact #3: BioWare are dicks when it comes to DLC:

So, let's imagine that Dragon Age has been in development for six to seven years, and it was just a long, arduous process fraught with miscalculations, numerous setbacks, etc. And that BioWare just wanted the thing out the door after so long, imperfections and all (PS3 owners will know what I'm talking about). They get the game out and, conceivably, get right to work on a sequel, seeing how anything they sell these days will make money. That's what any normal development company does.

But that's not what happened.

Dragon Age: Origins was released in North America on November 3rd, 2009 after six to seven years in development. The full-fledged expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening was announced on January 5th, 2010; a little over two months later.

This means one of two things: 1) The graphical drawbacks allowed BioWare to create this thing lightning-fast. 2) BioWare pretty much had it already made. The former would constitute supermen working at BioWare, the latter would mean that development for DA wasn't as arduous as we thought, since they were able to simultaneously work on the main game, its expansion pack, and its DLC.

What does this all mean? Well, it might mean that BioWare pretty much had everything ready to go well before that release date. But if they had all that time to work on all that content, why did they still produce a game that doesn't even live up to the company's own standards?

Not only that, let's not forget about Fact #4.

Fact #4: Dragon Age 2 will be released less than 8 months from now:

We get DA: O in November, and Awakening is announced two months later in January. We get Awakening in March, and Dragon Age 2 is teased via a little card that came in the case with Awakening. Not only that, but EA also announced that the next DA title will be released in that timeframe. Now, we could all be wrong, and this could be just another expansion...but I doubt it.

My overall point here is to suggest that BioWare had worked on Dragon Age for a long time, but, possibly, ultimately abandoned it. But when EA came along, they forced BioWare to resurrect it, throw a layer of gloss over the whole thing, and release it for profit. This would explain the sub-par production values (this game would be at home in the last generation of consoles), the numerous game-breaking glitches, the dated engine, and the KotOR-like level design. And it would also explain how they were able to put out all of that content within months of each other. It's sorta like when you're taking an English course, and you have to turn in a book report on a novel you've already read and wrote about for another class; ten minutes of fine-tuning and you've got yourself another A+ paper without all the effort.

I really don't think BioWare did this so maliciously, but I do think that EA showed them the money, and it made it all worth it. After all, the game wasn't bad. BioWare has some of the best writers in the business employed there. But I think Dragon Age showed me that BioWare can make the most lame-ass console experience ever and I'll still enjoy it if there's good character writing to back it up. Because let's get one thing straight, the game is just not fun at times, and those times are between the moments of character interaction.

Now, this theory of mine does not have a lot of facts behind it. I've never spoken one word to a BioWare employee, and I can only go on what I know of the company and what's listed on Wikipedia. So, it's probably not true. But I'll tell you what will make it true.

Eight months from now, when/if Dragon Age 2 gets released, reaching stores in 1/12th the time it took its predecessor to get there, if that game proves to be the Mass Effect of the fantasy genre, with production values that rival Shepard's adventures or even Fable II, then everything I've ranted about here will probably be correct. Because you don't make games like that within a year's time, especially when you've just released the first game and it's expansion. You make games like that after a few years' time, when the first game is already out the door. And maybe DA:O already was.

Meh.

Possible Mass Effect 3 and Dragon Age 2 Announcments At E3!

E3 is coming up soon, and that means we should all be royally excited. Why? Because BioWare will likely be announcing certain sequels to certain science-fiction and fantasy RPGs (one of them possibly Dragon orientated). Judging by what that little card inside the case for DA:O - Awakening told me, I was betting on a showing of what we might expect from Dragon Age II, since it's supposedly slated for a February 2011 release date. Supposedly.

But according to this ssssschematic for BioWare's booth at E3, we could be seeing a preview for both DA II and ME 3. That. Would. Be. Awesome.

http://kotaku.com/5560860/rumor-e3-floorplan-reveals-mass-effect-dragon-age-sequels

Hopefully Shepard doesn't die again. =/

The Day A Good Cover Made Me Buy A Bad Book

For most of last year, I was obsessed with buying new books. Not necessarily because I wanted to read them, but because there was usually something I could learn from them. I bought Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb just to see what all the fuss was about. I bought Star Wars: Republic Commando - Hard Contact by Karen Traviss to see why she was one of the most respected names in Star Wars. I even bought Starship Troopers to experience Heinlein for the first time in my life.

But there was one book in particular that I'm still trying to learn from. After several trips to Borders, there was always one book that absolutely stood out from the rest. I never knew why, but I knew that I had to look at it at least one time before I left the store, even if I was leaving with another book. I would just stare at it, wondering why this book had be so captivated.

That book was Across the Face of the World by Russell Kirkpatrick, and, eventually, I did buy it and it sits on my shelf to this day. But not because I liked it. I didn't care for it at all, actually. When I finally got around to actually reading the thing, I didn't really care for the story, the characters, or anything like that. I won't sit here and say it's the worst thing I've ever read, because it's not, but it wasn't something I liked.

But the cover...Jesus Christ, it's probably the best cover I've ever seen. Every time I see it, it instills a sense of wonder in me. I see that bright moon, that lonely landscape, and the riders casually heading off into the horizon...and I'm in awe already. Even as I type this, knowing full well what sub-standard story lies in wait beneath that cover, I still can't help but feel inspired. I just don't know why.

My sister always says that everything has something to teach us. And whenever I started ranting to her about a bad book, she would repeat that, to an author (like my almost-self), even bad books have something to teach me. Well, this book taught me: Yes, sometimes a great cover can sell a book, no matter what it is. R.A. Salvatore talked about this, saying that a good cover is absolutely imperative to a book, contrary to the opinion of his agent that covers don't matter very much. And he is absolutely right.

After I read The Crystal Shard, my idea of what the main characters looked like was forever altered by the cover. That's how Drizzt, Bruenor, and Wulfgar will always look like to me. It's the reason why I decided to buy the old first edition versions instead of the newer, Todd Lockwood-drawn masterpieces. Amazing, though they are, they are not what first made that impression.

This would all happen again with The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch, but that actually seems to be a good book so far. And Collision Course by William Shatner is another book that I bought on account of the cover, and it's still one of my favorite books. So, sometimes I get lucky.

But...yeah, it seems that the cover is very important. To me, at least. They have prompted me to buy good books and bad books alike; but, most importantly, bad books. And that's the magic of some book covers. They can cast a spell over us, even if the words beneath it do nothing of the sort.

Red Dead Review

Here's how it is: I'm standing outside of Chuparosa, an adobe brick town in Mexico just below the border. I had just finished turning in a bounty and purchasing a map of the surrounding area when the skies start to get darker and darker. Lightning flashes up north, I hear the loud crash of thunder a few moments later. The wind picks up and plays at my duster which begins to flap around the more the storm gets closer. Finally, the rain catches up to me and begins to fall heavily across the dusty plains. Puddles form around my feet and the trails get muddy.

I call my horse and I ride out west through the rain with lightning flashing, bringing everything under white light, and thunder rolling through unmercifully.

In Red Dead Redemption, things like that just happen. It's all part of this greater environment that makes up this almost-fictionalized area on the border of the United States and Mexico. A place where revenge can be a philosophy to live your life by, and charity is always in short supply. But ultimately, this game is what you make it out to be. It can be a great story, it can be a world that needs saving, it can be a land worth exploiting, or it can just be a place of leisure. The game demands nothing of you, only offers. And if you think this review is too melodramatic so far, then be prepared to be annoyed. ><

As I mentioned before in my initial impressions of the game, I bought RDR on a whim of circumstance. I had no intention of buying it until the day before, and even then I was hesitant - but more importantly, I was desperate. I needed a new game after using up Fable II, Dragon Age, and Mass Effect 2. I was so totally bored, but I do love westerns, and that's just about my only reason for buying this game: Bored. I like westerns. I knew I'd probably like it, but I didn't think I'd ever like it this much.

I've already gone over the premise of the game in my first impressions, but what I've learned since then is that although the story gets kinda silly at times (on account of John Marston getting pushed around by nearly everyone he meets, across two countries), the ending was downright emotional. I was nearly teary-eyed, and what the game allows you to do afterward was just genius. So, though I had hang-ups, they disappeared after the amazing finale.

Simply put, this is one of my favorite games now. I know I've been saying that a lot, but that just shows how particular I am about video games these days. I won't buy it unless I'm sure I'm gonna like it, and I LOVED this game. I'm playing it right now! But at the risk of repeating myself from the impressions, I'll go down the list of things I loved and didn't love in this game.

PROS:

+The environments are amazing. The world is massive; if I had to make a comparison, it's probably bigger than either Oblivion or Fallout 3. On the fastest horse in the game, it takes a good half hour to get from one corner of the world to the other (there's actually an achievement for that). The weather is completely random, and doesn't repeat itself very much. I played a three times without seeing rain. There are many animals inhabiting the world, all of which can be hunted, skinned and sold for profit. Plants can be picked. Birds can be shot out of the sky. I could go on.

+The story crosses paths with some very unique characters, all of whom are fascinating and, occasionally, hilarious. They're some of the best of any game I've ever played (some of them topping even BioWare's. Yes, BioWare comparisons had to happen), with Nigel West Dickens being an absolute highlight.

+There is so much to do! There are sidequests and minigames, but there are also random events scattered about the world. You might be casually riding along when you find someone being hanged, and you are given the choice to save him or leave him to his fate. You might pick up a little lady who's gone and got herself stranded in the middle of nowheres. There are bounties to hunt down, games to play, horses to break. There are some jobs you can take on, too. This game will keep you busy for a good long while.

+Did I mention this world is absolutely gorgeous?!

+In addition to the main quest, the minigames, the sidequests, the jobs, and the random events, there are also things called Ambient Challenges. There are akin to the World of Warcraft challenges, where you are rewarded a new level once you complete said challenge. For instance, you might be tasked with shooting five birds from a train, or killing a bear in one shot, or shooting the hat off an enemy. Random things that get really fun as you level up, and there's a TON of them to do. If you have XBox Live, the Rockstar Social Club actually gives you more to accomplish every now and then.

+And in addition to ALL THAT, you have the multiplayer. It features literally hundreds of those Ambient Challenges, along with quests that you can do with your friends, a leveling system that gives you better guns, characters and mounts, and the entire world is open to you. You can become public enemy and massacre a town, or you can bring swift justice to the random people wandering the lands. It's up to you.

+There's a settlement called Plainview. I loved that.

+No Indian massacres. Thank you, Rockstar.


CONS:

-There were quite a few glitches that forced me to reset the game a few times, sometimes at the very end of a long mission. Rockstar have expressed their apologies for this and insist that a patch is on the way, so that's good.

-This world is indeed huge, and while there is a fast travel system, it's a little cumbersome. You have to either hop on a stagecoach or travel out a fair distance into the wilderness to set up a camp. And I wouldn't necessarily mind that, since I like to stay immersed and travel by horse most places, the horse mechanic itself is cumbersome, too. To get your horse moving as fast as it can, you have to repeatedly tap the A-button. This can get tiring: monitoring your horses stamina whilst tapping the A-button for long stretches of time.

Again, this is something that I could look over, but it is an annoyance to me. Hasn't stopped me from racking up the miles, though. I have 251 miles on horseback alone. xD

-The trains are awesome, but I wish there was a way to pass the time faster so it's worth waiting for them. If you want to catch one, you either have to jump onto one robber-style or ride out to meet it, which defeats the purpose kinda.

-There are many quests that are only available at certain times, so you'll either have to wait or find a bed to rest, which sucks sometimes. And you'll have to save the game each time for six hours to pass. Yes, I want to be able to wait for the train, and wait for time to pass like on Oblivion and Fallout 3.


RDR is a masterpiece, to be frank. It's fun as hell, there's so much stuff to do you'll likely not get around to it all, and the environments are some of the most gorgeous and fully-realized places in any game EVER. Buy this game if you're in the mood for a good story, or if you want to shoot some folks, or if you want to slap some bears, or tie women to railroad tracks. It's all up to you. The game doesn't demand that you do any of these things, it only offers.

Going on about 'Good Omens', Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Tori Amos

I don't really have anything to write about today, but I feel like it's been a while since I've posted here and I just got a new programme that makes my keyboard sound like a typewriter! And it's really therapeutic. So - I'm going to use this blog like a diary and just talk.
The last few days I've been reading 'Good Omens' by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. At about halfway through, I'm absolutely loving the book. It was recommended by the nice lady at The Critical Fiction Den - and thank goodness because otherwise I probably wouldn't have bothered (more on that later). But I'm getting that feeling of pure enjoyment from a book now - I rarely get this - when every chapter is perfect, and you carry the thing around with you at all times. I've been reading this in bed, in company, in the car (parked), whilst walking, crossing roads, listening to Best of Queen tapes... last night I dreamed that I was at a party in my honour, and met a girl... and carried on reading 'Good Omens' at a table in the corner.

It's dry, dark humour, nothing all that special in its style or plot - but just very very funny jokes and sardonic observations. I think it's just perfectly tailored to my tastes.

I say I normally wouldn't have read it because of the authors - I hate to criticise Terry Pratchett because he's living my dream, and he's a role model for me. A humble, pleasant, hugely talented British author - and more than that, one whose author photograph has genuinely shaped my life and ambitions. I got a copy of 'The Colour of Magic' at high school and looked at him with the big black hat and the beard and leather jacket... with a description full of self-depricating humour and 'lives behind a keyboard' and thought, 'that's what I want!' Now I'm bearded, typing comedy and SF/fantasy, and I still haven't been able to throw away my big, black hat. I don't wear it in public anymore, but it's still here.
But... I didn't particularly enjoy 'The Colour of Magic' at school. A few weeks ago I found it again, and had another go. (Largely because of 'Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor') I only got a few chapters in before getting bored. I dunno... it's clearly a very good book, I daren't say I didn't like it, but maybe it's his style. Or maybe I'm an uncultred Nintendo-generation git with no attention span. I still find the book very hard to follow, and the characters very hard to care about.


As for Neil Gaiman (no cartoons for him, he's too handsome) my experience is a little better, but much more recent. I became aware of him by listening to Tori Amos records (I believe the two of them are good friends, as she mentions him sometimes in her lyrics). I knew only that he was Amos' mate, and he wrote very successful graphic novels. And graphic novels made me feel uneasy. I'll tell you something else, I hate that term. They're not novels, people. I can see why you wouldn't feel the term 'comic books' is appropriate, but they're sure as hell not novels.
Anyway, I did eventually watch some films based on his work - 'Mirrormask' (which I liked) 'Stardust' (which I really didn't like) and 'Coraline' (which was amazing). Early this year I read the children's book Coraline and liked it too... and started hating how Americanised the movie was! I bought a copy of 'American Gods' but so far it's just been sat on the shelf, looking large and intimidating, whispering in a sickly voice about graphic novels and Tori Amos pretentiously standing up to play piano. *
After this, I will have to find time to give it a go. And maybe even 'The Colour of Magic' again, too.
This book by the both of them is just brilliant. I don't know if they were both having a good day, or if they just compliment each other perfectly, or what. But this book just seems flawless to me. The experience of reading it is pure fun - no boredom, no confusion, nothing bad to say about it. Not one thing... so far. Just a very funny book about an angel and a demon and the antichrist and the horsepersons of the apocalypse, that I can't put down. I haven't felt this way since 'The Princess Bride', or the last half of 'Ender's Game' (after the Giant's Game was introduced and I let myself enjoy it).

* I do find her pretentious, but Tori Amos is amazing. Amazing. I don't know much about music, but I really, really love her albums.
It;s jsut that need my performers and artists to be humble - once they start wearing sunglasses or big hats, like Duncan Banatyne I'm out. Tori Amos is one of those who is just so good that I don't even mind her showing off and talking rubbish.
I should do another blog about her, but now I have to go to work. I really like to think of her as a 'musical poet' rather than a musician. The music is fantastic, don't get me wrong, but her lyrics are really inspired. I have so many favourites.

Here's one which I... think is about Mary Magdalene? If so, it's damn good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyoVrbcgbO4&feature=related

Half-Life: Directed by Joss Whedon

I had my preferences for who would direct a Half-Life film if it came down to it, but I never expected this. Mister Joss Whedon would like to direct that movie, and it seems he would also like Nathan Fillion to star as the Freeman. And he would do all of this after The Avengers is done shooting.

Wow.

Personally, I love this combination. A lot of people seem to be against it, but...yeah, anytime Whedon and Fillion team up, magic happens. I would absolutely love for this movie to get made with those two attached. Would have been even better if we could have seen Dennis Hopper as Breen, but...R.I.P., easy rider.

EDIT: Ah, I guess we've been had. This is from Big Gabe himself. Disappointing. =(

Book Review: God of War

I don't think Matthew Stover ever wanted a fan like me. I may not be his biggest, but I am his loudest. I talk about his books all the time, and to people who would regularly have no interest in either Star Wars or fantasy fiction. Shatterpoint and Revenge of the Sith have, to this day, encouraged me to write two novels with 250,000 words between them. I have, literally, every single book he's ever written sitting on my shelf (Have I read all of them? No, but they're there nonetheless...with the exception of Blade of Tyshalle, which is on mah Kindle). I wrote this emotional review on Amazon that actually got his attention, and after that, man, it's been crazy.

So, after reading both Traitor and Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor within the space of a week, I knew I was buying his next book, God of War, the first day it came out. And I did...again, on my Kindle. Money gets to him faster that way.

I was really excited because, honestly, Stover is just as badass as his characters are. The man knows everything. Why? Because he hates to lose or be inaccurate. He likes to fight, and he likes to use fightin' words. Therefore, he is well-schooled in all that is asskickery, and academic. So hearing he'd be writing a book that pertains to Greek mythology, I knew I'd be getting something here. And I was partially right, but mostly wrong. What we get here isn't a bad book, per se, but it really isn't something that I'd normally read. There's just...no Stover in this book. Aside from the action, it's hard to pick out exactly what he wrote, seeing how he picked up a coauthor for this entry.

And, it does pain me to say this but, Full Disclosure: I couldn't finish the book. Again, not because it was bad, but it just wasn't my thing. And without Stover's "voice" coming through here, it wasn't my thing x2.

The story opens well enough, and I can tell that this is the part that Stover wrote. I know this because it hooked my attention like the Blades of Chaos would a minotaur. Afterward, we get introduced to the Gods (i.e. - the Sky Assholes), and the main conflict afoot, which would be that Aries, the God of War, has been a bit of a douche lately, and due to a clerical fuck-up, not even Zeus can stop him. Athena, the celestial brown nose that she is, decides to solve this problem by not only instigating a power play between the Gods to get Aries killed, but also to send Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta, to put a hitch in Aries' plans...whatever they are.

Admittedly, the action scenes are balls-out crazy. Kratos is a badass of such caliber that my Kindle couldn't display his feats in their entirety, lest the screen explode under the full pressure of their awesomeness. I'm betting that this book is everything that the new Clash of the Titans wishes it was (and it takes several jabs at our friendly neighborhood Perseus in the process). Kratos fights hydras, Gorgons, the undead, minotaurs, ogre-type guys, the gods themselves. You name it, Kratos tries to fuck it over.

And, yes, Kratos always gets the ladies. He's like a Greek Lando.

The problem with this book became inherent to me when: 1) I discovered that I cared exactly nil about Kratos, which was an odd feeling; Stover always manages to make me care about his characters, no matter how insignificant. I honestly didn't care if Kratos lived or died. 2) The writing style would shift around, but eventually the style that became the most prevalent was most certainly not Stover's, for the most part. 3) There wasn't any real plot. 4) Start back at one.

Other problems with the book would be that it read like a literal novelization of a video game. What I mean is, it seems as though whoever was writing played the video game and wrote down what Kratos did. It's not as shallow as I make it out to be, because these writers make a very readable book out of this, but you could almost hear the little "Zelda Jingle" whenever Kratos obtained a new power, or when he managed to complete a puzzle.

See, and this is where I'm torn. If you read this book for yourself, you'll see that it's by no means badly written. It's what would qualify as a good book! But this isn't something that I'd recommend to anyone who has liked Stover's past works. Kratos, to be blunt, is a dick. He spends most of the book flashing back to a terrible time in his past when he lost his family, and then the rest of the book killing innocents along with the monsters. In fact, in one scene, he literally destroys a crowd of fleeing Athenians for walking too slow in front of him.

How can I possibly sympathize with that? Even remotely? My conclusion: I'm not supposed to. This book is meant for fans of the game, and was likely never put out there to draw new crowds. It's all action, pure and simple. And while I can appreciate its existence because of this, like I said, it's just not my thing.

My guess is that Stover did have a hand in this, but with Sony and Mister Vardeman handing some of the workload, his voice probably got lost in the shuffle. And that's okay! He's still my favorite author, and I don't regret buying this book. But it does make me yearn for a true Stover outing, and I'm hoping that I will get just that with Test of Metal and His Father's Fist.

Pick this up if you're a fan of the game, but everyone else should probably sit tight.

Mass Effect(s)?

I'll keep in mind that this is only a job posting, but it seems that EA is trying to snag BioWare a "multiplayer programmer" who can "take existing single player user experiences and make them multiplayer safe." What can that mean? I dunno. It could mean any number of things.

This does not necessarily apply to Mass Effect 3 per se; it could also mean Dragon Age might get itself some co-op in some form. Buuuut, I'm gonna go ahead and fancy a guess that if this is true, it's probably for Mass Effect 3.

So, again, what does it all mean? We could get co-op, or perhaps some of the standard multiplayer modes like deathmatch and so on. We could get interactive aspects like Fable II had. Now...this could work. But should it work? I'm not sure. Part of me loathes the idea, because I'm not sure how they'll apply it. But who knows? BioWare is currently in charge of two MMOs right now (Warhammer Online and The Old Republic), so they might have some creative ideas on that front. We'll have to wait and see if this pans out.

What do you think?

Source: talkxbox.com