Book Review: Star Wars: Heir to the Empire (Volume I of the Thrawn Trilogy)

Story Mode Activated. Apologies!

Before giving Heir to the Empire a try, I had read through six books in the Star Wars library. Barely a sliver considering that the SW books usually have their own section at bookstores, but it's decent! I think. I hope.

Four of those six books had been written by Matthew Stover, a legend among SW fans due to his singlehandedly defining the Force in a way that has had an effect on how I watch the SW movies ever since. Another of those six was Path of Destruction by Drew Karpyshyn, Lead Writer of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, the best video game to ever come into existence, (I know, I know. Exaggeration is what I do. It's my thing). Path of Destruction, while good, is one of the most okay books I've ever read. It was all talk and no action. All formula and no character. I couldn't love Bane as the main character and I couldn't hate him as the villain. He just sucked.

The sixth was Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader by James Luceno, known for his extensive knowledge of SW lore and his ability to make anything he writes sound boring. I did really like that book, though. A unique take on several different events and characters, and it did its best to characterize Darth Vader as he took his first steps as a Dark Lord, for all his stumbles. It was better than PoD by miles, I'll say that.

After finishing up Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor, I sort of hit a wall. I couldn't find anything that I wanted to read, and ended up buying half a dozen books that are still sitting pretty on my shelf. Neuromancer turned out to be wildly inventive, but ultimately a chore to read. God of War was a bust and a disappointment. Among other titles, I even tried to reread some of my old favorites just to give me something to read! I was getting desperate, so I turned back to Star Wars.

Not really knowing where to start, I remembered that Matthew Stover had said that his favorite Star Wars book had been Han Solo at Stars' End. So I gave that a try, but couldn't finish it. The story wasn't bad, and he captured Han Solo really well, but for such a short read, there really wasn't a lot in there to keep me interested. Mister Daley (rest in peace, sir) had a talent for drawing things out when it wasn't necessary.

After that, I kept doing my research, looking up fan-favorites of the SW library. Many of them would always point to the Darth Bane Trilogy as their favorite, and I would silently cry myself to sleep. Karpyshyn is a great writer when it comes to games, but the misadventures of Darth Bane could not be lesser in the spirit of Star Wars. Could not be. Luckily, Bane wasn't the only book getting some love. An overwhelming majority would point to Heir to the Empire and the Thrawn Trilogy as the books that made them believe in Star Wars again. A bit more research showed that this was the series the sparked the ENTIRE Expanded Universe. Almost everything you've heard of that takes place after Return of the Jedi had its roots in Timothy Zahn's trilogy: the Solo twins, Mara Jade, Coruscant!, Thrawn, the New Jedi Order, the Skywalker siblings...the list goes on.

Yeah, I'll get it a try.

Of course, the Borders in town was out of it, so I had to order it online. Once I got it though, I came to realize just why this series and its author have garnered such wide acclaim.

The opening scene begins how all three movies of the Original Trilogy opened, with a shot of an Imperial Star Destroyer and the dread plot of an evil tyrant leading the Empire. This tyrant goes by the name of Thrawn, and he is one of the coolest and most calculating villains I've ever read in fiction. The way he goes about bringing down his enemies is extremely creative and a bit scary in a "It Makes You Wonder" kind of way.

The rest of the story is intricately and creatively woven together, to the point where you can almost get a sense of the Force at work throughout. The main characters come into contact with each other through some insanely unforeseen ways that, sometimes, I never saw it coming. A lot of work went into this story to make sure you weren't just getting a novel based on a movie.

As for the characters, all of the main players are here and are as true to their movie counterparts as you can get. If by chance you've read Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor, then you can expect the same kind of characterization here. Though Zahn, with the vast scope of the story, was given more leeway to take Luke and his characters back to places and memories that correspond with the Original Trilogy, a luxury Stover's story did not have.

To say much about the story will give it away, so let me just say that it's a story certainly worthy of Star Wars. It's not bogged down with action; it lets its characters take up the forefront with everything else coming second. Zahn also, frequently, writes to his strengths, so you are not likely to get bored during these 400 pages, on account of the brisk pace at which the story moves along. You will also be treated to a vast amount of dialogue, more than I've seen in any Star Wars story, and you might just be grateful for it.

One more thing I must point out is that Zahn is a smart writer, and, therefore, his characters are smart. Reading how Luke or Thrawn go about logical problem-solving is amazing to watch. This book felt like one big game of chess, and you could feel the tension when one of the players made a wrong move or a really good one. It made for great emotional rides all through the book.

This Star Wars book is a proper adventure. You won't just visit one world; you'll visit many. You'll learn about new cultures, practices, religions. You'll bear witness to the dark forests of an unknown world, a moving city made entirely from Imperial wreckage, and the overwhelming flora of a familiar Wookiee homeworld.

People sometimes forget that what made Star Wars so successful is that it is fantasy as well as science fiction. Zahn hasn't forgot that. In Heir to the Empire you'll find an adventure that you'll be grateful to tag along with, military science fiction that rivals Ender's Game and echoes Starship Troopers, as well as a fantasy overtone throughout. This book has everything. Sometimes I forgot that I had two books left to read through. =O

Fanfiction Shenanigans

I finally finished my Star Wars fanfiction!

I've been working on this story, on and off, for seven or eight months. It really feels wierd to leave the characters behind now.

--

I just realised that I've been writing internet fan-fiction for just over 2 1/2 years. I really had no idea it had been so long... but I happen to make a note of the starting and finishing dates for all my pieces of writing.

And it made me nostalgic. I'm going to drag this story out, so here we go.

A few years back, I was seriously depressed, studying Psychology (a subject I was really bad at) at University and very lonely. As a kid my hobbies had been writing/drawing little comic books and playing Nintendo. As a teenager I had more or less stopped playing Nintendo and instead obsessed over TV and film comedies. I saw this as 'growing up'. When I was at my most miserable, I started to miss the Nintendo and I bought a second-hand X-box and a copy of Star Wars: Jedi Outcast. It was a 3D shooting/platform game I had played at my mate's house, which was fairly ordinary except for three things: Billy Dee Williams was in it, you could get a lightsaber which would actually mark the walls if it touched them (OMG), and John Williams' amazing 'Star Wars' score played every time you were in a gunfight.

I loved the game, and I suddenly gained a deep appreciation for the original trilogy of Star Wars films. In the game you got to drive an AT-ST, shoot at stormtroopers, fire lightning from your fingers and choke people to death, talk to Luke Skywalker, and explore the galaxy far, far away as a rough, wise-cracking 'Just a guy with a lightsaber' who, of course, eventually matures into a proper Jedi knight. Unlike most Jedi, he matures by eviscerating several hundred enemy troops, but there you go.

Hungry for more, I went out and bought the game right next to it on the shelf - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I think Knightfall and I have told this story to death, but I really liked the game. I started watching the movies more and more, and even became extremely fond of the 3 new prequel movies. When Revenge of the Sith came out, I skipped an exam (the anticipation for which was crippling me) to watch it. The movie was just good, but the experience was one I will always remember. At the very height of my Star Wars fandom, and in my saddest days, I saw a Star Wars film for the first time, on the biggest of big screens.

Three years passed, in which I dropped out, came back, dropped out again, developed a hobby playing Bioware role-playing videogames and fell in love. At the start of 2008, inspired by comedy websites I loved and egged-on by my brother, I started up Microsoft Word and dashed out a parody script to Episode 3 - 'Revenge of the Angst'. (I took it offline eventually when I re-read those websites and realised I'd subconsciously ripped some of them off). But I had a lot of fun writing it.

The joy of writing it made me read more. I slowly made my way through a few books, and then a glut of Star Wars books. In the first half of 2008 I wrote two more pieces - a giant parody script of Bioware's Mass Effect and a short Star Wars story about a werewolf on Tatooine. The latter was terrible, but the former was actually really successful.

'Mock Effect' got me over a hundred reviews from people who had read it, and that just blew my mind. This was the best time of my life. I was madly in love, not at University anymore and writing comedy which was being read and enjoyed by lots of people. The parody script even led to a fanfiction website being created to house it, which has now outgrown it to become an awesome community and an excellent Mass Effect fansite.

Needless to say, my ego swelled massively. I began writing more and more (fanfic), trying out different styles and genres, and reading a little more still. At the same time in 2009, I wrote my second big project - a 35,000 word story about... Mass Effect. Mass Effect is a very good game. That year I also wrote a few little poems, more fanfics and a short story with a completely original concept.

Now we're halfway through 2010. I'm starting a new course next year, studying English and creative writing. I have been wanting to leave fanfic behind, and move on to become a serious penniless amateur writer still living with his parents.

I've found it very hard to get started on new original stories, and ended up leaning back on fanfic. I was happy to 'move on', but there had always been one story concept at the back of my mind, since way back when I played Jedi Outcast. I had always wanted to write a story about a Guy With A Lightsaber.

It would be about an ordinary civillian who finds a jedi laser-sword and has a brief, low-level adventure fighting the Empire. It would be set right before the time of the original films, but it would incorporate the Jedi mythos that had come into it in recent years, and dominated the novels I loved.

-

So - my new Star Wars fanfic - also probably my last fanfic - Star Wars: A Thousand Generations. Yes, this big, personally-revealing biography was nothing but a cheap plug for my new fanfic, Star Wars: A Thousand Generations. Works every time.
Now, I don't claim you can have a better time with Star Wars: A Thousand Generations than without it.... but why take chances?

It's another big writing project (31,000 words) and it's finally finished.

--
--

Now... I don't know what's next! Hopefully a lot more writing, in any case. I really enjoy it.

Revan's Shadow: The eBook!

So, after compiling all of the files together, editing them into one document, creating a table of contents, and, finally, creating the file: I have finally created an ebook version of my Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic fanfic, Revan's Shadow.

Why did I do this? Mostly as an experiment. Plus, this story is pretty near and dear to my heart, so I wanted to be able to read over it on my Kindle. That still might sound like pretentiousness to a new extreme, but I really love Revan's story. The fact that I wrote it doesn't even enter into my line of thinking. I just like to be able to experience it again (typos and all).

So! If you so happen to have an ebook reader and care to take a gander at this thing that took forever to make (five years planning, one year writing, three hours compiling), then here be the link to the file:

http://www.mediafire.com/file/u0vqtijmymul4xm/Revan's Shadow.prc

and the PDF:

http://www.mediafire.com/file/gdg2yt3yz4ynjdc/RevansShadowPDFv1.pdf

If there's a better place to host it, lemme know. Other than that: Enjoy!

P.S. - I typically do a lot of editing after the files are uploaded to fanfiction.net. This document was yanked straight from the files, so they're worse off than they are on the website right now. I'll be going through it to do some hard editing soon...hopefully. And I also have a PDF version of it if anyone's interested.

Up and Coming: The Black Prism by Brent Weeks

I'm gonna be treating this blog post more like a confessional than a vent for the hype I'm feeling over this book. I have an odd relationship with Brent Weeks. Not that he really knows me, but he kinda does. Kinda. Not really.

2008 was a nasty year for me. College wasn't going too great, all my friends were moving away, and the novel that I had worked on for just under a year didn't strike the fancy of any of the agents I sent it to (and to be completely honest/serious, I don't blame them). I was feeling down in the dumps and looking for something to get my mind right with the cosmos.

So, as I'm walking the aisles of Borders' sci-fi/fantasy section, what do I behold but a bright, white book with the picture of an assassin on the cover. It was The Way of Shadows by Brent Weeks and it caught my eye immediately (which was a big win for Orbit Publishing at the time) and I ended up buying it after circling around that aisle like a vulture for a while.

Long story short: Read the book and loved it. There were things about it that I really didn't like, but that's usually the case for most things that I read. Plus I'm overly critical, so there's that. But what's important here is that I finished the book! Not only that, but I was anticipating the release of the second book which happened to be a couple weeks later (which was another point for Orbit).

After reading the second book, Shadow's Edge, I knew there was something special about this series. I'm still not sure what that something was or why it captivated me so damn much, but I just couldn't get enough about those books. And, again, I would only have to wait a month for a sequel, thanks to Orbit.

Sometime between reading the second book and the month-long wait for Beyond the Shadows, I typed up an email to Brent Weeks and sent it to him, not really thinking that he'd ever reply. My question pertained to how he specifically developed his style and how his readers' opinion might shape that. I asked him that because that was what I was trying to do at the time; in my writing, I was caught somewhere between complete emulation and a haphazard writing style that I couldn't get right in my mind.

To my outright surprise, he responded with a very long, very friendly letter that really gave me a thing or two to think about. Here's a bit of it:

The way to find your fingerprint is to write. A lot. You WILL say things your own way, because you will always have your own way of expressing yourself. And you will eventually figure out ways that suit you better than others. Your toolbox will expand, so just as you are capable of speaking formally to a police officer who pulls you over, and colloquially to one of your friends who's irritating you, so too will you be able to match style with substance in your writing.

It was like GOD himself sent me a letter from the goddamn North Pole. It's not because he had useful advice (he did), and it's not because he wrote a detailed response when he didn't have to (he did), it was because for that moment there was one degree of separation between myself and someone who had broken into the industry by, essentially, being himself. It was like I could take one step to the left and I would be at that magical place I had always wanted to invade.

We had one more exchange in which he basically said he'd read the ARC of my book if I ever got that far down the line, and that was all it took. He had created a monster, and not the good kind that you want watching your back. I turned on him. Why? To this day, I'm really not completely sure. I became obsessed with fine-tuning my writing style: so much so, that I became the biggest critic I knew at the time - and by critic, I mean asshole.

I started to hate his books. Not because they were bad, but because they were now growing in popularity in fantasy circles and I couldn't understand why. There were so many things wrong with those books. Why are they so needlessly graphic? Who are these random peeps over here? Why does everyone and their mother have a sidestory? How come everyone says "fuck" so fucking much? I couldn't stop myself!

Every debut novel has problems. Even Patrick Rothfuss with his gift unto mankind, The Name of the Wind, had some major feking problems. I enjoyed The Night Angel Trilogy waaaay more than Kvothe's big book o' almost, yet I didn't get peeved at that one (even though I think I have the right to). I was just unreasonably mad at Weeks' trilogy for being good, and I would raise hell with my friends trying to figure out why they liked it.

Obviously, I've made peace with all of that, and I realize that I had needed something to hate after several more tragedies intersected in my life by the end of that year, and Brent Weeks' books became that something, which I'm pretty ashamed of. But if there's one good thing that came out of all that, it was that I've been able to look at books with a more critical eye, which has helped my writing to no end.

So, I owe Brent Weeks a lot, just as I owe Matthew Stover and Drew Karpyshyn a lot. They all cared enough to pass along some advice or encouragement, and to a struggling author there is no greater gift in the world.

TL;DR - Brent Weeks is a class act, I am an asshole, and you should totally buy his new novel The Black Prism, which hits stores on August 25th, because it'll likely be awesome.

The Night Angel Trilogy
(The Way of Shadows, Shadow's Edge, Beyond the Shadows)
Amazon.com|Amazon.co.uk|The Book Depository

The Black Prism
August 25th, 2010
Amazon.com|Amazon.co.uk|The Book Depository

The Fall of the Old, The Rise of the New

There were only a few reasons why I enjoyed Dragon Age: Origins more than Mass Effect 1 & 2, but they were enough. More than enough.

In DA:O, the graphics were shit, the story was ripped right out of Tolkien, Jordan and Martin's discard pile, and the glitches were many. But that didn't change the fact that they had BioWare's creative force full-on behind this title. The characters were well-written, the lore was detailed and expansive, and I loved the whole concept of the Grey Warden. On top of all that, the Origins were a fantastic concept: playing different races, different sexes, different classes and knowing that you were going to get a new story every time was absolutely brilliant!

But the one thing that the game did that allowed for absolute immersion was the classic dialogue tree. By making the playable character silent and giving him/her a set of detailed reactions to a given situation, this helped the player create their own voice, habits, and peaceable/violent tendencies for their character. You weren't playing the Warden, you were the Warden.

This was in sharp contrast to the Mass Effect series. Giving Shepard a name by which everyone could refer to him, a voice that allowed him to respond back, and only giving the player "degrees" by which to have Shepard respond, it didn't feel as much as an immersive role-playing experience as much as it felt like you were deciding how a movie would play out. Sometimes, it was hard to even predict what you were going to have Shepard do. There were a few times when I would select an option that seemed reasonable and Shepard would go about kicking people out of windows.

There is a very big difference between a reaction like:

"One more word out of you, dwarf, and you'll find yourself on fire."

and:

"No."

The reason I bring this up is on account of the details that have been released regarding Dragon Age 2, and they were very dramatic details. Here are a few:

1) You will play as a character named Hawke.

2) The combat system will get an overhaul.

3) The story will take place outside of Ferelden, in a new part of Thedas.

4) The story will begin after the destruction of Lothering, and will then continue over the course of a 10 year timeline.

5) You will be forced to play as a human.

And lastly:

6) Hawke will be a voiced character.

There are many things I'm all right with. New combat system? Sure, that's fine by me. I'll miss the KotOR-like system, but that's okay (I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE WITHOUT IT). Experience a new part of Thedas? Fantastic!

Being forced to play as a human? I...yeah, I had trouble with this one. It's odd to go from a game that allowed for three races, multiple origins, and have a sequel that has none of these. Seems like a step back to me, but I can sorta live with it (though, I'll miss playing as an elf). Having a character named Hawke? I...I guess I can live with this, too. After all, there's little difference between being called Warden or Hawke. I did like not being referred to by name and by title only but, again, I guess I can deal with that.

But the one thing I absolutely cannot deal with is the fact that HAWKE will be voiced. It just sucks! and let me tell you why. Dragon Age: Origins represented a classic RPG experience, where you could play your character how you wanted to play him/her. You could be who you wanted to be, act how you wanted to act, love who you wanted to love. When someone asks you something in-game, you get a list of responses, and what your mind does when you select a response (similarly to what it does when you're reading dialogue in a book) is attribute a voice to it. And that voice isn't that of Mark Meer or Jennifer Hale. It's yours! And the game responds to your voice!

This almost (almost!) allows for complete immersion, because suddenly a part of you is floating around in the game. Characters are responding to it, laughing it, loving it, dying for it. You feel like you're a part of the story. The reason I say "almost" is because DA:O was a last generation game. There were a lot of technical hangups that were frustrating to deal with, and I always assumed BioWare would change all of these things in the sequel. Better graphics, better gameplay, more detailed world.

But it's as though BioWare made a list of all the aspects of DA:O that I absolutely fell in love with and wiped them out from the sequel. I really, really Do Not want "Mass Effect: Dragon Age Edition." I do not. BioWare had a winning formula that needed improvement but, instead, they created a game that no self-respecting RPG lover could possibly want. Because Mass Effect 1 & 2 were not Role-Playing Games, they were Shepard Simulators. DA:O was a true RPG, which is why it actually sold BETTER than any of other BioWare title to date!

There is an easy solution, and that is to give players the option to keep their main character silent. Assign HAWKE some celebrity voice actor if you must, but give us the choice to stick to dialogue trees if we want to. Please! I don't want to look back at DA:O and know that it will be the last BioWare game that calls back to the good ol' days of the RPG genre. Because, BioWare, Bethesda just isn't as good at this writing thing as you are.

Let's attempt to play Street Fighter 2 online

Okay! Cool, I have Xbox Live now. Let's see what else I can do with that, besides much easier downloads. I guess I can play multiplayer games, now. I don't really play multiplayer games, though... mostly I just play role-playing games.

Well I AM the King of Pong. Let's see if anyone is online and looking for a Pong opponent.

Half an hour passes.

No. Oh but someone I never heard of sent me a voice message! Huh, okay! Let's see.

Click. Wikkada dodsa sni Pong sheh gum?!

I don't know what that means but she sounds angry with me. Am I doing somethign wrong, here? Maybe I'll play Pong some other time.

Oh! There's always Street Fighter 2! Or rather, Super Street Fighter 2 HD Remix! Easily my favourite version of Street Fighter 2 - and that's up against some stiff competition! I was always pretty good at Street Fighter. This will be fun. Time to show the world my skills and prove myself the ultimate World Warrior - but actually against people from across the world, rather than my brother this time!

'Ranked match' or 'casual match?' To hell with you casual players, I'll go ranked. Ain't nothing casual about this. This is serious. Let the world judge me by my actions here tonight.

All right. Let's do this! Hadooouken!! and all that. I'll pick Ryu, because as everyone knows, Ryu is the easiest character to master and therefore the best one to choose. Let's see them get past my classic fireball-then-hurricane-kick-then-wait-for-them-to-get-up-and-dragon-punch-them combo.

JAPAAAAAAAN!

Japan. Awesome. My character's home ground. The other guy is playing as Dee Jay. He has no wins, no losses, same as me. And his screen-name is all caps. Loser. I've got this in the bag.

ROUND. ONE. FIGHT!

A succession of loud grunts and screams is heard. None of them are in a Jamaican accent.

Crap! This guy is like... how the hell does he do that? Like, jumping diagonally into the air and kicking me three times. I could never get that move to work. And he just... he just blocked the fireballs!! What the hell is that?

More grunts. A final scream, echoed twice.

YOU! LOSE!

Dee Jay: Your problem is you don't have any rhythm!

My problem is that you're the best Street Fighter player in the history of the Universe, mate.
0 wins, 1 losses. Okay, fine. The better man won. Let's just start again. Who's next?

YOU-ESS-AYYYYYYY!

Ken's stage. The one with the crates. And who am I f...

FIGHT!

THUD! BASH! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! *Crate smashes*

Bloody... Dee Jay again?! Come on, this guy already beat me! Surely there's no sport in beating me again. Oh, wait. This is a different guy. Wheras the first one played with incredible speed and grace, this one is just doing a jumpkick that's really hard to dodge over and over. Hmm. Maybe I can beat this guy... if I use my head....

Okay if I do a straight-up jumpkick I can stop that move of his. Here we go. YES! Fuck you!! Try it again, smart guy! Aha! Got you again! And again! Yeah I can stand here and do a straight-up jump-kick all day! Jackass.

Long pause.

Yeeeeah, now you don't know what to do, do you? That jumpkick always worked so well in the past, eh?
Man... this move looks just like the famous 'Crane kick' from the original 'karate Kid' movie. Haha. Seriously it's just like that. Waiting for him to come close, jumping up, kicking him in the face. White karate suit, black hair. Hahaha.
Oh he's doing it again. Okay I'll just... gah! Too late! Stop that! Give me a moment to block or something, you bastard!

Dee Jay hammers kick after kick on my guy, raining blows down on me like Luke on Vader.

YOU! LOSE!

Dee Jay: Your problem is you don't have any rhythm!

Fuck you!!! You're the least sportsmanlike street-fighter I ever met! And you can stop grinning at me, too, you stupid fucking national-stereotyped fucking cartoon.

0 wins, 2 losses. I guess I got unlucky with the Dee Jay twins. Let's start again, again.

CHIIINA!

Ah! Fighting Ken this time. Ryu vs. Ken: the oldest rivalry in fighting game history. This truly will be a battle of skill. One on one. Slightly stronger atacks versus slightly faster moves. He's wearing lime green. I am ready.

Three rounds later.

Jesus! How do these people get to be so good at Street Fighter 2?! This is like playing chess against Kasparov! Are these guys professionals? Do they just spend their lives working on their Street Fighter 2 skills, living only for the next match, taking no pleasure in victory but only in learning from their disparate opponents?? Kinda like... Ryu. Huh.

0 wins, 3 losses.

Four matches later...

0 wins, 7 losses.

This is ridiculous. How are these people so good at playing Street Fighter 2? Why am I the only one playing as Ryu? Is Ryu the loser's choice? Have I made him the loser's choice? Is it like, 'Oh don't be Ryu, you'll associate yourself with that British guy with the 7 losses.'

YOU-ESS-ESS-ARRRRRR!

What? Oh, sure, okay. Who wants to beat me now? Akuma. Awesome. That's the character who's exactly like Ryu except he has better moves. Oh and now my screen is juddering so I can barely move. Now I'm playing Kasparov with a blindfold and no bishops.

New objective: hit him. Don't let him get a 'perfect score', or 'Flawless victory' as we called it when I was a lad.

BASH BASH BASH BASH INSANELY FAST MOVES FIREBALLS FROM THE AIR ANIME RUSSIANS LAUGHING AT ME IN THE BACKGROUND.

Oh! Oh, I hit him! By blocking, crouching and doing the heavy kick. I swept his leg out from under him and knocked him to the floor! Ha! The mighty Akuma, on the floor! Sure, when he gets up he'll pulverise me, but right now he's on the floor and I'm not. Ha ha ha!

Akuma: ...

0 wins, 8 losses.

At least I got him on the floor that time. It's like earlier, when I was using the Karate Kid Crane Kick on the second guy. Maybe I should try that again.

Or... what was the OTHER famous piece of advice from that film? What was that... line...

"Fear does not exist in this dojo! Does it? Pain does not exist in this dojo! Does it? DEFEAT does not exist in this dojo! DOES IT??"

No, SENSAI!

All very inspiring stuff! But that's not what I was trying to remember. I need some practical adv...

"Sweep the leg."

Hmm...

"Sweep the leg, Buch."

Staring up at the screen, I wipe my bloodied nose, horrified... but nodding.

INDI-AAAAAH!

Black karate suit this time. Cobra Kai never dies. You bet your ass. And I'm fighting Chun-Li, surrounded by elephants, outside the Taj Mahal. My victory is at hand, just as I dreamed it.

And much like everyone else except me playing this game, she's very, very good. But now I have my secret weapon. Every time she tries to get close and pummel me... I sweep the leg.

And I win a round! I lose the next two, but who cares? I won one!

Here we go then. The last round. The LAST ROUND. I could actually win this match.

SWEEP THE LEG, RYU.

As the music swims in my head, building speed with every beat, so does my fighting instinct. I can win this. I will win this. She's probably riding on the confidence from winning the last two rounds. This will contribute to her downfall.

The elephants are trumpeting. They can sense something is wrong... something different. The dark hadou? Or just the sheer rage of an ordinary man pushed into the dirt by Street Fighter professionals... One. Time. Too. Many.

FIGHT!!

And I am. I'm fighting with all the strength I can muster. I'm channelling great oceans of adrenaline, poring them into a single, oversized, Japanese foot. Hitting her like a battering ram. In the shins.

And she's jumping all over the place, bouncing off the walls, firing that short fireball which is apparently now not short (bloody HD Remix...). And she's hurting me.

But I'm still sweeping the leg. And when she's too high for that, I'm doing hurricane kicks. I'm fast, relentless. And she doesn't know what's going on. I caught her by surprise.

As she yelps and bounces and hits the deck, I just keep hitting. Sweep, fireball, jumpkick, sweep, sweep... over and over in every combination, humiliating her like the skinny, slack-jawed Italian boy she is.

And then... just after she kicks my head three times fast...

A fireball. A peoper one. None of your lean-forward, bum-backwards, half-range fireballs. A hadouuuuken!

For once... I don't recognise the scream.

YOU! WIN!

Ryu: You did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me.

Yeeeeah!!!! Holy.... fuck... yes!! Yeah, you need more training, buddy! You need to lose eight times in a row, matey! That's the only kind of training that can really prepare you for this nightmare! You need to fully understand defeat, through sheer repetition, before you can inflict it upon your opponents. You go and train, loser. You don't belong here in the big leagues!

I guess I'm finally getting good at this! My hands are shaking a little, and I'm grinning ear-to-ear.

1 wins, 8 losses. Ha-HA-ha-ha!

Next match! Bring it on!

BRAZIIIIIIL!

And I'm fighting Balrog, the Mike-Tyson-looking boxer. He tends to stay on the floor. Too slow and heavy to jump. Ha! He is so going down. He has 0 wins, 0 losses. Pfft. Rookie.

Okay, Iron Mike, let's dance.

Three short rounds later...

YOU! LOSE!

Balrog: My fists still have your blood on them!



Yeah, I bet they do. It's because I don't have any rhythm. I'll go back to Pong.

The Skywalker Family

I had the opportunity to watch the Original Trilogy the other night on Spike TV, which had been running all six movies all weekend, I believe. I was able to catch the last hours of it, marking the first time I've watched all three OT movies in one day. It was an odd thing to watch. For one, because I realized that I was starting to lose my grip on how the movies originally played out. Aside from the horrendous CG bits, I couldn't for the life of me remember what had changed in the Special Editions (WEESA FREEEEEEE!).

And another thing, I started to noticed a few consistencies with the characters from the prequels and found out that Luke and Anakin are not so different when push comes to shove. This made the whole saga a tad more brilliant from a creative perspective. It certainly doesn't hide the glaring inconsistencies that arose in the gap between Ep. III and IV, but it helped me understand what Lucas was trying to go for.

And I know this isn't a new topic, since some of the similarities of the two trilogies are glaring, but, you know, whatever. xD

Episodes I/IV:

Humble Origins: Anakin and Luke are both children of Tattooine, born into a life that was never meant for them. It's the Joseph Campbell-esque zero to hero story, more or less. Luke doesn't want to be a farmer, and Anakin isn't too fond of slavery. Both are liberated by Obi-Wan (technically) and swept up into circumstances they hadn't predicted.

Episodes II/V:

The Skywalkers Whine A Lot: For as great as The Empire Strikes Back is, you cannot deny that Luke does his share of whining. I first realized this after Yoda's speech about size meaning nothing ("Judge me by my size, do you?"). It was an amazing speech, and to see Luke stand up and say, "You want the impossible," I wanted to slap him! And then I got to thinking..."Hey, I wanted to slap Anakin around at this point, too!"

These two movies are about adolescent boys becoming men, after they finally come face-to-face with the darker side of life (and both lose arms in the process). Anakin gets cocky during the Dooku fight and pays for it. Luke goes to Bespin, against the wishes of Obi-Wan AND Yoda, and pays for it. Sure, the fight between Luke and Vader was a magnificent one...but if Luke had any sense, he wouldn't have been there looking for his friends. Similarly, Anakin wouldn't have been on Tattooine looking for his mother.

Episodes III/VI:

The Sins of the Father: Both of these movies involved a battle that would come to change the galaxy forever. The cruel fact of the situation was that the outcomes of both fell to the Skywalkers, and the Emperor happened to be there to greet both Luke and Anakin. Both of them were tempted: Anakin with Padme/Unlimited Powah, and Luke with his friends/Unlimited Powah. And both of them, in the end, gave into their emotions.

The scene where Luke begins to lay into his father with that killer look in his eye: that's the dark side if I ever saw it. Not only that, but he'd tried to strike down the Emperor not a few minutes before. The break in the chain came when Luke noticed Vader's robo-hand, the one he'd lost in his fight with Dooku. He looked down at his cyborg mess of a father, then looked at his own robo-hand, and realized that he, too, could become the obedient husk that Vader had become. It was the saving grace of the galaxy, that the son would've rather died than end up like his father.

And he would've died, too, had this act of conviction not brought Anakin Skywalker tumbling back to the reality of the situation. In his last act of redemption, Anakin finally became what the prophecy had...prophesied him to become. He brought balance to the Force, allowing the New Jedi Order to come to fruition while the dark side still lay in wait, leaving his children and grandchildren to secure that legacy.

Now, this all doesn't mean that I don't like watching Luke whine more that I like watching Anakin whine (because I don't), and this is not a new conversation by any means. I just found that the deeper, repetitious connections really make for a great saga. And that the more I watch these movies, the more I value these movies as a whole.

Indie Games 2: Let's Hear It For Zeboyd

See what I did there? It's an entry praising / advertising Zeboyd Games. So I wrote 'Let's Hear It For Zeboyd'. See, 'Zeboyd' has the word 'boy' in it, and (this is where it gets good) the 'Ze' bit sounds a bit like 'the'. So it sounds just like 'The boy'. And I'm PRAISING Zeboyd, so it...
So many levels.

----I was contemplating writing a second proper 'XBox Live Indie Games review' and I still might. I dunno - after writing mine I found out it wasn't such an original idea and there are already a ton of reviews for these things. Plus, I think I played the wierdest/most interesting ones already. But I did find some other good ones.
To hell with it - I recommend 'This is Hard', 'Space Milkman' (a neat Mario 3-style platformer where you abduct cows, then get one glass of milk out of them before eating them as steak... how is that a milkman?! It's more like a space cattle-rustler) and 'The Impossible Game'.

Also he collects cakes and sweets? They go so well with steak and milk. Seriously though, this game is pretty neat! If it were on Super Nes, it would have been a hit.

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If you read the previous blog you might remember me raving over 'Molly the Were Zompire' after the first impression really... impressed me. Well I played every square inch of the game, and I'm still very impressed. Yeah I said impressed three times.

It's a short but brilliant text adventure game - much like a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book except really funny.

I used to read those 'Choose Your Own' books when I was a kid. The first one I had was an official Super Mario thing... and it was really bloody hard. I remember finding the tons of sad endings really depressing and grim. As a little boy, I was well and truly creeped out, reading about Mario failing in lots of ways. I was used to seeing him die of course, but this was different. I don't think I ever even found the happy ending. It was hidden away for only cheaters or those who could solve complex puzzles and would read every outcome. After that I found some of those R.L. Stine 'Goosebumps' books which were so popular back then. And there were a couple of Choose Your Owns in there too.

There it is! Now it's on DS?!

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This may be a very long article. I keep losing track. Right - 'Molly the Were-Zompire'.

You decide the fate of Molly Desper, a grad student who is sucked into a varied and super-generic fantasy land and is simultaneously bitten by a werewolf, vampire and zombie. From this point on (and before that actually), it's up to you where she goes - does she run from the monsters who turned her, attempt to join them, or just wuss out and let them take her to the Big Bad? Does she join forces with a ninja pirate lady, or flee and make a bargain with the Grim Reaper? Does she save the world from the coming invasion of octopus-headed men? Does she sign up with the Table Tennis Club and fulfill her destiny that way? (That was my favourite.)

If you're on Xbox Live, this game comes highly recommended by this random blog author. What's particularly awesome about it (aside from the professional quality of the writing) is that all of those options I mentioned are pretty-much seperate and all individually awesome. Unusually for this sort of adventure, there is no 'correct' or 'true' version of the story that's significantly longer and better than the rest. There's just a big bunch of brief, disparate and hilarious paths to take. Some result in sadness and death, and others in various heroic endings. Way more than half of them made me laugh out loud.

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Anyway... enough of this. The point is, it's great. Inspiring to me as a writer, and very amusing to me as a bored fantasy/SF fan with nothing to do one evening. And there was a link to the creators' website on the game so I checked them out. This blog is just to tell you they're awesome.

The website is actually full of Indie Game reviews (and helpful ones at that, with nary a massager in sight). So check that out too.

Hey the site also has a free download of Molly for PC - at http://zeboyd.com/free-stuff/

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Well now I'm losing track of everything and kind of bored. I was going to say that I found two other Zeboyd games on Xbox Live yesterday, and gave them both a brief run to check them out.

Unsurprisingly, both of them are great and very funny. They're just a cut above the rest of the Indie Games I've seen. Really, something else.
'Epiphany in Spaaace!' (their first game on Xbox Live) is very similar to Molly - but sci-fi instead of fantasy. All right! I look forward to reading every possible outcome of that one night soon.

The newest game is reeeally interesting. This one, unlike almost everything on the Indie Games list... is an actual game. It's long, and has gameplay and characters and a substantial world map. That's pretty awesome value for 80 gamer points.

The name is 'Breath of Death VII: The Beginning'. It's a comedic spoof-RPG which sets out to mock NES-era top-down RPG's, (from the end of the title I'm assuming the early Final Fantasy installments are a big target).


I've only had time to play about half an hour of it so far - but hell yes. After a neat little NES-like story into that starts with a Mega Man joke and somehow moves seamlessly on to Fallout 3, you start in a dungeon, playing a stoic skeleton warrior named Dem. After making good my escape I had only time to explore the home village a little. The fighting is solid, the story is already fresh and funny, the music is nice... it's a comedy FF/Zelda-style RPG. For ONE dollar!
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I think I've plugged this small games company enough, now. It's just that I'm very impressed by them and I think this writer Robert Boyd ought to be a LOT more sucessful than he is. He needs to be publishing bestselling novels, writing these jokes into mainstream games, maybe even hosting the Tonight show. At the least - his games on the DS would be a whole lot better than Mario's bloody Monster Mix-Up.

My buddy Tillian has intentions of writing a full-comedy RPG. I always thought it was an awesome idea, and I'm looking forward to it. With Breath of Death, this guy apears to have proved her right!

Let's have more of this, game companies. I know you all read my blog.

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They're currently working on another RPG and the working title is 'Cthulu Saves The World'. Somebody start paying these people!!