'The Hundred Things'

For two years or so I've been going on and on about my hobby of writing 100-word prose pieces at 100words.com.

I will now be shutting up about it, because I've 'finished' what I'd been wanting to do with it. I've put them into a collection of one hundred 100-word stories.

I actually wrote quite a few more than 100, but a lot of them were rubbish. These are the decent ones, by my reckoning anyway.
Thanks very much to those who helped me with this. Really, to me (I have a very limited imagination) this was quite a challenge and I feel like a boss now.

America: What I Have Learned

At the moment I'm not so proud of my own country, which has gotten me comparing it to the next one along - no, not France. I mean the more successful, handsome, rich kid who lives a few streets away, who the United Kingdom likes to hang out with so it can watch him play his Super Nintendo and perv off its much prettier mum: the United States of America.

Over the last few years, my life has become distinctly more internet-based, and as such, less English. I've been basically a hermit: I'm not even joking. More and more, I stay in and spend my time online - reading Roger Ebert rather than watching Jonathon Ross, catching up with Cheers on YouTube instead of following whatever the hell passes for British comedy at the moment, and carrying-out a lot of my social life on forums and Google-chat.

Mostly this has involved long talks with my co-author on this site - a slightly younger man from California whose company is always a pleasure, even if it does necessitate neither of us ever leaving our homes. One thing that comes up endlessly in these chats, endlessly, is cultural differences. I think it's fair to say that the general British and Irish understanding of what Americans are like is halfway between Peter Griffin and Samuel L Jackson, because these are the two representatives who we are mostly exposed to. We see US citizens, on the whole, as loud, stupider than us, fatter than us, aggressively Christian, pigheaded, extremely dangerous, and yet in all cases inexplicably adorable, like a puppy dog with a lit firework in its mouth. Although my main source defies all of these characteristics, I still think it's about right.

History's most terrifying single image, or kind of cute? YOU DECIDE.

And Americans see us, I think, as 'The United what?' or 'Susan Boyle', both of which are pretty accurate descriptions.

So for three years or more, I've picked-up a lot of little bits of information which completely surpised me. I'm going to share a few of them now - and remember, all of these are 100% accurate.

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1) They really don't have biscuits. They have chocolate chip cookies and they have Twix bars, and that is all. They have the word 'biscuits' which they use to describe a sort of scone-like thing that you apparently have with a pale, grey sauce.

2) To them, Kentucky Fried Chicken is a shameful place to eat and also, wierdly, the basis of racial stereotyping (I don't know why), rather than the 'kind of fancier alternative to McDonalds' it is here.

3) They do not know what the word 'beefburger' means, not even when you explain it by comparing it to 'cheeseburger'.

4) Alaska and Hawaii are nowhere near where I thought they were, and absolutely not where they appear on that bullshit map of theirs, which probably exists just to confuse us.

5) Instead of letter-boxes in their doors or the little boxes on sticks with surnames on, like you see in the films, they actually have large filing cabinets in the middle of the street.

6) Whatever their relative average intelligence, Americans are absolutely not uninformed. Sorry British people, but just because we speak more elegantly doesn't make us cleverer. Laziness is curiously not encouraged in the United States: the fierce, inhuman, competitive spirit that powers Samuel L Jackson and Ryan Seacrest on a daily basis lives within all of them, instilled at an early age. In terms of competition and personal pride, they're like Germans but without the organisational skills. If you think I'm making this up, Britain - have you ever been part of a 'spelling bee', which I understand is a spelling contest for children that takes place outside school hours, when X-Men is on, and is often voluntary? No.

7) They have a fast-food chain called 'In-N-Out Burger', and nobody over there finds that funny. This is by far my favourite US fact.

8) One more food one: Taco trucks. These are literal trucks where meat is prepared and eaten.

9) Americans do not know what the UK's flag is called, despite the fact that we were good enough to emerse ourselves in their culture like Malcolm McDowell with his eyes being held open in A Clockwork Orange, to the point that we have now quietly adopted their language, because it just seems easier not to try remembering how things used to be spelled... in the before-time...

Hoe-nor?

10) They really do prefer their version of The Office. They're not just teasing us.

11) 'Fox News' is apparently not a comedy.

12) Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda.

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And with that, I'm really out of ideas. Believe it or not, after all that (when I try to be funny it always ends-up smarmy and hateful,) I'm very fond of the place. If we seem to obsess over the country and follow them around at parties, there are good reasons, beyond the obvious wanting-to-be-on-their-side-in-the-next-World-War.

Every time I look at a website, and every time Knight and I chat, I pick up another little fact I never realised, something awful they never dared show us or the occasional quiet triumph that never made it to the news here.

Meanwhile, we're sat around reading about how our children spent the day burning down Selfridge's in town. At least it beats watching bloody Outnumbered.

Dragon Age 2's ending: The Last Straw

We're talking about Dragon Age 2. Again.

This will be, I think, the fourth review of Bioware's DA 2 on this site alone. I will make my actual review very quick and then get onto the point of this article - constructive criticism. Yes it will be as smug and deluded as it sounds.

So, a very quick review of a game I'm very interested and emotionally-invested in. This sequel tries a lot of new things to break away from the traditional Bioware RPG plot, and for the most part I think it succeeds beautifully. I absolutely love the party-members and Hawke's relationships to them - they really felt more like friends and less like quest companions. I think the linear, framed narrative is restritive but spectacular - balancing emotion, plot and subtle recurring themes and motifs in a way I've never seen in this medium. I was hooked. And the combat - superb. I prefer it over any combat system Bioware have put out before.

However... the setting is very poorly designed and far, far too small. The opening to the game (excluding the framed narrative, I would say) is a confusing, dull, poorly-structured mess. And the ending...... well this is what I want to talk about. It killed the game for me - it's broken, short, rushed, meaningless and involves very little role-play. It is - don't pardon the pun, it's awesome - an abomination.

Seven out of ten, but only just.


But what I wanted to blog about is how easily this game could have been saved. I finished the game yesterday and spent an hour or so yelling at the walls about how I, or any fan, could have written a better ending in a day.

So - in order to calm myself down - here's an idea or two for a more competent ending. I'm not saying I'm about to write anything good here, but I guaruntee it will be better than the final, appropriately-titled quest in Dragon Age 2 - 'The Last Straw'. I'm going to try and make this pretty close to the real ending, except for the very first bit. My spin on the tale begins when....

* Flemeth returns. At the Bone Pit, as soon as the high dragon dies by your hand, another one appears. Your weary party is frightened but determined, and you sigh deeply when the dragon transforms into Flemeth, who laughs haughtily. She warns you that your role as Champion is about to be truly put to the test, and that you will have to strengthen yourself and your principles before the day is done. She slinks off in human form. Returning home, you find Bodhan and Sandal leaving your estate for Orlais. They are pleased to have seen you before they go, and they say their goodbyes, giving you one last chance to enchant, buy and sell. There is a note from Orsino or Merdith, begging you to rush to the Chantry.

* You arrive outside the Chantry, to find Meredith, Orsino and one or two templar bodyguards. The two (who, incidentally, really should have been introduced to the plot in Act 1 or 2) are arguing personally and bitterly. Orsino wants to call out the Reverend Mother. Both are armed and it looks like a duel is about to break out. You attempt to either reason with them or goad one on, but just before the reaction you attempt to foster either dawns or fails, Anders shows up.

* Anders makes a speech about Mages' rights. A good speech. A good speech that lasts more than five seconds and is actually very moving. Hell, maybe his voice cracks. Something soft and kind that makes you weep for the mages no matter what your alignment. And then, Justice appears in his eyes. Anders glows blue and gets pissed off. If you have a friendship you can attempt to calm him down, and if you romanced him, you can try even harder. He falters but doesn't stop yelling. The player starts to realise that the dividing line between Anders and Justice / Vengeance has blurred - you hear them both speaking with one mouth, but they clearly agree. They want blood. If you romanced Anders, there is dialogue explaining how this happenned behind your back. Hawke is either hurt, proud or angry.

* At this, Anders makes his move and performs a spectacular, non-demonic spell which completely destroys the Chantry, including several innocents and the high priest. And the player understands how he did it! For a moment, we let the horror of what has happened sink in, then a crowd slowly begins to arrive. Meredith is understandably enraged (not because of a magic sword but because the Chantry just exploded) and invokes some kind of rite, which would massively reduce the personal freedoms and legal rights of all mages in Kirkwall, some kind of Spanish Inquisition-type affair. Orsino is outraged, refusing to let his people accept responsibility for the actions of a single terrorist, and then goes further to demand that the Templars give up control of the city and grant more freedom to mages. They both argue, loudly, dividing the crowd, both making good points. The Champion's party-members arrive too, one by one, appearing behind Hawke and adding their voices to the row.

* Suddenly, Hawke is forced into a decision. Orsino and Meredith's weapons come out, simultaneously, and the player must leap in to save one of them. Hawke is given a choice of dialogue to make his position clear as he lunges, and give one side his support. The party he sides with is struck, surprisingly, not by his/her opponent but by an anonymous dagger or fireball from the crowd. A riot breaks out - mages, Templars and sympathisers battle, with Aveline's guards vainly attempting to break the fights up. The player fights a group of mages or templars, and the fight moves toward the Gallows, spreading throughout the city as it goes. If Hawke does not have a strong friendship with a party-member who disagrees with his decision (Fenris, Bethany, Carver or Merril, say) then he or she leaves to fight for the other side. Whichever leader you supported, Orsino or Meredith, is seriously injured but alive, and is carried to safety by sympathisers.

* Anders runs, a victorious but broken man - but Varric stops him with an arrow, through the leg, perhaps, or pinning him to the wall if that's not too cliche. Hawke takes a moment to speak with him, and the various party members demand that he should be killed, put to purpose on the team, imprisoned or even allowed to go free. If Hawke has a friendship with him, there is an emotional scene where we realise just how far Anders and Justice have fallen in the pursuit of their goal. If Hawke has romanced him there is a very emotional conflict. Hawke can, if the player is careful, convince Anders to repent, and separate from Justice - OR to convince Justice, now Vengeance, to take the body completely and aid you against either side. You must decide Anders' fate - to come with you and attempt to atone, to come with you and then go to the dungeon / be made tranquil, or to die. If he dies and was romanced, Hawke kisses him before killing him.

* Then there is the inevitable fighting. Hawke and his remaining crew battle their way through hightown, lowtown and the docks before reaching the Gallows. Along the way they mainly fight Templars (not an army of demons) if you sided with the mages, or mages (not an army of bloody demons) if you picked the Templars. Maybe there are even some dialogue choices where you can try to save commoners or something.

* When you reach the Gallows, the first thing you find is more fighting. You fight your way to the base-camp of the side you championed - a massed gang of mages or the bulk of the Templars. With no leader they are scared and outnumbered. Hawke delivers a moving speech - a long one, with several directions the player can take it in - and leads them out of the stronghold. At this point, if a party-member left earlier, s/he returns with a gaggle of mages or Templars in tow. Mirroring the earlier fight with the Arishok, there is a duel. The new enemy fights you, does not go down in three bloody hits like Fenris did for me yesterday, and falls. Then begins a war of words, where Hawke and the beaten companion try to convince one another to join them. Hawke can draw on their past to convince them at the last moment, and s/he dies either as a bitter, betrayed foe or a grateful friend. Then there is more fighting as his/her followers attack. Then there is a little rest where you can speak, one last time, with your party-members. If you have a love interest who is still alive, s/he steps up to kiss you before you go. Bethany or Carver, if they are a friend, apologises to Hawke.

* Finally, Hawke fights the personal guard of either Orsino or Meredith - whoever remains. Orsino absolutely does not suddenly use blood magic, but some of his followers do. There are demons, and they animate the forlorn statues of tortured mages that decorate Kirkwall. If you fight Meredith, the mages on your side animate the staues to fight a vast army of Templars. When all is said and done, there is one more duel. Your opponent, Meredith or Orsino, does not become a monster of any kind, but rather shows a more sympathetic, human side than we have seen from them so far. Between rounds of combat, there is dialogue where you debate the themes of the game. The foe is defeated - either killed or admitting defeat and going into exile. The survivor - Orsino or Meredith - reappears, still wounded. They bitterly regret allowing the conflict to escalate so much, and thank you, offering fabulous rewards. The player chooses whether to accept, granting them the Viscount's crown, or to execute/exile them himself, making himself the new ruler.

* We then return to Varric, who gives a long, long, description of the consequences of all Hawke's decisions to the Seeker. The Ferelden-bred peasant sirrah Hawke has made Kirkwall his home, and truly earned the title 'Champion'. The dark old city-state is now safe from bandits, the Qunari and the Chantry/Circle infighting, thanks to its strong and fair/powerful hero / Viscount.
If the player sided with the mages, then they are granted great freedoms in Kirkwall and eventually Ferelden and beyond - Hawke (and, controversially, Anders) becomes a hero and a new age of magic and co-operation dawns on the Free Marches, the Templars' numbers dwindling.
If the player chose to aid the Templars, then they an the Chantry regain control of Kirkwall and gain strength throughout Thedas. Mages and non-believers are restricted heavily, but a new age of peace dawns. Kirkwall becomes strong and builds an Alliance with Starkhaven. Instances of blood magic and rogue apostates drop sharply, and many lives are saved.
And if the player chose to rule Kirkwall himself, then we get something in the middle. Varric tells the story based on choices and allegiences Hawke made during the game.

And so ends the story of sirrah Hawke and the magic dispute in the Free Marches. The Seeker is surprised and impressed.


Well I feel a lot better now, anyway. Thanks for reading.

If you're slamming a fist on the table and crying, 'Bullshit!' after reading my version, then well... yeah, I hear you. It's just that - the above is genuinely what I expected to happen all the way through the third act. When the real ending came, I was as shocked as I was disappointed.

The reason I had such a negative reaction to this game, or at least the last few hours of it, is simply because I had such a positive view of the middle. I adored about 80% of this game, and I was crushed by that trainwreck of an ending.

The real question is - what would you have done differently? How would you have ended this game, or even begun it? If, like so many people, you felt let-down by Dragon Age 2 - how would you have liked to see that game play out? Do let me know in the comments here, or on the fanfic forum I moderate!

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Oh. And Bioware? I will work for minimum wage if you want me on DA3. Just saying.

Also - this.

Quoth Darth Revan...

I know what you're thinking - once again these chuckleheads are talking about Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Talking about it with barely contained tears in their eyes, talking about it like it's their first wife who died tragically and who was also their childhood pet. Talking until either they die from talking about it too much, or else Bioware hires them to write a second sequel.

Every time I write a piece of fanfic, I tell myself, that's it. No more of this, now. I'm 26 years old, and it's time I put all my efforts into writing actual fiction, instead of flash fiction about Jedi knights.

Well, I've given up trusting myself on that one, but with a ny luck, this one will be my last fanfic. If so, I'm glad it's about Revan, and extremely glad it's a collaboration with Anthony Lowe AKA Knightfall 1138. See, it was Knights of the Old Republic that brought me to Bioware, and indeed to Star Wars, and then to fanfiction, and then to writing fanfiction, and to my transatlantic friendship with Knight, and to writing, full stop.

All those things will no doubt continue to be big parts o f my life, but I think it may be time for me to leave KotOR alone, and shut up about it.


Over the past week or so, Knight and I have been writing two short stories (which link up together, much like Voltron), in the 1st person and from the perspectives of (almost) all of KotOR's party members, remembering moments from the game, and giving a 'eulogy' to Revan.

The Summer of Applejacks. Notice how Zaalbar is gleefully preparing to decapitate Mission with a machete in this picture.

Here is Knight's - 'Of the Sacrifice'
And then mine - 'Of the Fall'


They're just little scenes, but we enjoyed writing them quite a bit, maybe because they allowed us to say 'goodbye' to a fantastically good Star Wars character, who we now accept is almost certainly not coming back from 'the unknown regions or something, I think he said he was out of cocoa' (thank you again, Obsidian).

It's about Revan - his adventure or her second fall to the dark side depending on which of the two versions you read. But it's told in the 'voices' of the other crewmembers and really (not so subtly) it's about how much Knight and I cherish that videogame, and miss those characters.

If you miss that game too and happen to read it, I hope you notice some of the little nostalgic details we put in there, and go, 'Oh yeah, I loved that conversation / planet / scene too'.

If not, thanks for reading this, the latest in my series of overly sentimental theses about pop-culture and computer games. One thing that I love about KotOR, and its sequel, is how beloved they are, by so many people. When I was looking for a picture for this article, I found hundreds of drawings of Revan and the rest, some of them slightly disturbing and most of them a bit odd, but all of them showing the same love we're trying to reflect with these stories. When we posted the first chapters, they were swamped and covered by competing KotOR stories within hours. Annoying, but wonderful.

I love that people are still going on about this stuff. You know that Revan will make appearances of some kind in the upcoming MMORPG The Old Republic, as he already has in the adverts for it.

But you won't get anywhere sitting around here, chatting up old men all day! Shoo! We should return our thoughts to the mission, please, you know? I will leave you be. I'm here, if you want something done right! You got it. Whatever HK said. Dwooooo.



Once again, here are the links- Of the Sacrifice, and Of the Fall.

We have two chapters each up so far - there will be about five each eventually, and will finish uploading soon.