The UK: What I've Learned (Part One: Response)

A response to Mister Buch's post: "America: What I Have Learned"

I think it can be a bit of a curse living in America. Not sure where I heard it, but some think it kinda silly that when Americans go on vacation, we visit our own country. Meanwhile, my friend in Germany heads off to France or the Czech Republic every time he and his wife need time away. And Mister Buch has been known to visit Wales from time to time. I've never been to another country before, though America's options are decidedly limited. We've got Canada to our north and Mexico to the south. We've also got Cuba, but We Don't Go To Cuba.

In that sense, I guess I can see why people here can get a little ethnocentric. The majority of us are simply not altogether bothered with the attractions of other lands. We are the best, because we are the United States. We are the United States, because we are the best. Maybe it's because patriotism is a surefire way to hold a country this size together without running the risk of secession; I'm looking at you Texas.

The long and short of this is: we often forget the rest of the world exists. Heck, I'm almost positive that most people in America aren't even aware that we have territory down around Australia! (And I'm not claiming to be one of them.)

To that end, learning about the United Kingdom has been a blast. As is the typical villain speech: "We're not so different, you and I." But I thought I'd start off by responding to Buch's points.

1) They really don't have biscuits. They have chocolate chip cookies and they have Twix bars, and that is all. They have the word 'biscuits' which they use to describe a sort of scone-like thing that you apparently have with a pale, grey sauce.

I think we both found this hilariously frustrating, because it's not like these words don't exist in our rhetoric, we've just gone around and completely switched the meanings for them entirely. Their "biscuits" are our "cookies." Our "biscuits" are much like their scones, but we have a tendency to eat ours with country gravy and chicken-fried steak if we're feeling especially crazy. I've also found that this makes for an uneasy culinary topic!

2) To them, Kentucky Fried Chicken is a shameful place to eat and also, wierdly, the basis of racial stereotyping (I don't know why), rather than the 'kind of fancier alternative to McDonalds' it is here.

I don't have very many nice things to say about KFC personally. In addition to McDonalds, they're kind of seen as the epicenter of the "obesity epidemic" that we're currently experiencing. Though, I chalk that up to America's deplorable standards of meat quality and safety compared to other countries. In any case, just not a big fan of the Colonel.

3) They do not know what the word 'beefburger' means, not even when you explain it by comparing it to 'cheeseburger'.

Honestly, I've never heard the word "beefburger" used in any restaurant of any kind, fancy or casual. Actually, I don't think I've ever personally used the word verbally but once or twice in my entire life, which is probably the record among everyone I've ever known. No, we don't use the word "beefburger," we proudly use the words "cheeseburger" or "hamburger" to describe a nationally favored product that is never made using pork products. Proudly.

4) Alaska and Hawaii are nowhere near where I thought they were, and absolutely not where they appear on that bullshit map of theirs, which probably exists just to confuse us.

We forget they exist sometimes, too. Hawaii is out in the middle of the Pacific, and Alaska hangs out with Russia and Canada a little bit too much for our liking.

5) Instead of letter-boxes in their doors or the little boxes on sticks with surnames on, like you see in the films, they actually have large filing cabinets in the middle of the street.

Most of the homes out in the country have the little mailboxes on posts, or older parts of a city. It's easy for pedestrians to just reach in and swipe stuff out of those kinds of boxes (it happened to us once or twice when we had one), so the vast majority of people use the gray USPS filing cabinets. Not very romantic, but we're paranoid like that.

6) Whatever their relative average intelligence, Americans are absolutely not uninformed. Sorry British people, but just because we speak more elegantly doesn't make us cleverer. Laziness is curiously not encouraged in the United States: the fierce, inhuman, competitive spirit that powers Samuel L Jackson and Ryan Seacrest on a daily basis lives within all of them, instilled at an early age. In terms of competition and personal pride, they're like Germans but without the organisational skills.

Very flattering! I'm in a position to be able to see the best and the worst that America has to offer, so I can agree with some of this and find a little room to argue, as well. We're not a country that strives toward intellectual betterment as much anymore, judging by the consistent defunding of our educational institutions. Religion is a very prevalent thing here, and is typically one of the main, debated factors in getting a president elected or a piece of legislation passed.

This, in combination with our occasional bouts of ethnocentrism, mostly ensures that some people are very uninformed about most things. You know that nice, socialized health care that most other civilized countries (and Canada) enjoy? Yeah, we voted against that for some reason. So, there's that.

But there's a word that I think does define us: competitive. We absolutely love to compete against other countries and among ourselves. Sometimes our talks about landing on the moon are still underscored with lingering gratification over having beaten the Russians up there. And the tl;dr for our contributions to the war effort in World War 2 would probably/definitely read, "You're welcome, World."

And while we're not necessarily lazy, we do have a knack for bringing cool things to us instead of going out and visiting them. Case-in-point: you can see the Eiffel Tower, an Egyptian pyramid, and the Statue of Liberty in Las Vegas.

7) They have a fast-food chain called 'In-N-Out Burger', and nobody over there finds that funny. This is by far my favourite US fact.

We do have this, and it's amazing. Also, we like to rub this in the faces of anyone east of the Sierras and west of the Pacific coastline.

8) One more food one: Taco trucks. These are literal trucks where meat is prepared and eaten.

Now, this is something typical to California and most places along the Mexican border. I can't speak for most places up north, though I don't recall seeing any food trucks of any kind in Colorado. These taco trucks qualify for a street vendor permit (which is much, much cheaper than a restaurant permit), and it's easier for them to just drive these things around instead of pushing them back and forth to their houses, so they just put two and two together and made something awesome.

The best food is usually served out of a bus.

9) Americans do not know what the UK's flag is called, despite the fact that we were good enough to emerse ourselves in their culture like Malcolm McDowell with his eyes being held open in A Clockwork Orange, to the point that we have now quietly adopted their language, because it just seems easier not to try remembering how things used to be spelled... in the before-time...

No, we have no idea what the UK flag is called. But to be fair, as far as most Americans are concerned, the United Kingdom, Britain, and England are all the same place. We do love Malcolm McDowell, though!

10) They really do prefer their version of The Office. They're not just teasing us.

If you tell most Americans that there's a British version of the show, they'll probably think it's a spin-off of our version! It takes some serious dedication on our part to seek out the original over here. So far, I've only seen it aired on Cartoon Network, so that should give you some idea, lol.

11) 'Fox News' is apparently not a comedy.

It should come as a shock to most people outside of the United States that a very large number of people take this channel very, very seriously. It's where religious and fiscal conservatism finds its voice, and they are very loud.

12) Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda.

He really, really does, and we wouldn't have it any other way! He also dropped the screw in the tuna.