Buch's All-New Saturday Morning Cartoon Line-up

Lately I've been kind of depressed and concerned that I'm stuck in an awkward 'man-child' phase that should have ended a few years ago. I keep finding myself collecting nostalgic videogames, making silly jokes and losing the silent, aloof smart-guy quality I used to have when I was actually a child. It's strange: as a kid I acted like a lonely guy in his late twenties. Now -
I have it all backwards. I'm clinging to childhood joys...

And I'm starting to think the reason is just that somebody has to! Kids today don't have a fun, colourful childhood. I see them dressed like adults, more smartly than adults sometimes, cursing without finding it funny - just cursing. Just talking like everyone. Renting 15-rated comedies at my shop, because there's nothing else for them now.

Where my generation had Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast, today's youths have Twilight, whatever animes they can understand and Epic Movie. Where we had Spiderman, Spiderman, Radioactive Spiderman, they have Tobey McGuire crying because the stress of his three jobs made him punch his girlfriend. I see these kids looking through the DVDs, trying to find which films rest halfway between what their parents are watching and what they actually want to watch. And they get something like Watchmen. It's the closest they can get.

The famous Saturday Morning Watchmen video is hilarious, but what's kinda sad is that it seems so funny nowadays. If 'Watchmen' had been mainstream in the early 90's, they would have made that show for real. And though it would have driven Alan Moore to homicide, it would have been really good. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a ridiculous parody of the dark, gritty comic it was based on, too, you know? And we loved it. There was even a Rambo cartoon. That was a movie about a traumatised war veteran killing cops. We had cartoons based on absolutely every succesful movie, toy line or videogame character. Absolutely every one. Whatever happenned to that?

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So because of a) this chip on my shoulder about the kids having nothing to watch, b) my sad reflections on my own immaturity, and c) three glasses of wine, I present the new summer line-up. Here's a list of recent (or recent-ish) movies that are just crying out to be turned into cheerful, enjoyable half-hour cartoons. On the television. For kids.

Dear TV producers: if you'd like to use these ideas, I will accept payment in the form of strawberry-flavour Nesquick milkshake mix.

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THE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

The pitch: In an age of swords and shenanigens, charming, rogueish, Bohemian pirate Captain Jack Sparrow commands the motley crew of The Black Pearl, seeking treasure, adventure... and rum! Every week it's a new mishap, a new mis-step and a new foe: Blackbeard, mermaids, voodoo zombies, the evil squid-man Davey Jones himself... or just the usual trouble from his old friends Barbossa and the East India Trading Company. Whatever he's fleeing, Captain Jack is always just sober enough to save the day, and fight crime!

Honestly, though: Well why not? I would have loved a 'Pirates' series on CITV.

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JAMES CAMERON'S 'AVATAR'

The pitch: Heroic marine Jake Sully now lives happily with the peaceful and mystical Na'vi aliens on the jungle planet Pandora. Whenever the human miliatary, lead by the cruel Commander Nevarius and his mechs, return to the planet trying to destroy the environment and steal their precious Unobtanium - it's up to Jake, his true love Neytiri and their tribe's best warriors (Ka'lor the strong, the wily and cunning Jee-las and the hilariously overweight Colbo) to save the planet, fight crime and put things right!

Seriously: Seriously! I don't know that it would have to be in CG, but just picture it! That movie was made for half-hour adventures. Cameron apparently is making two sequels, but why? The story (such as it was) is told already. If you're going to add to it needlessly to make a few bucks, do it like this.

The theme tune: Av-at-aaaaaaar! He's my av-atar... comes from afaaaaarrr... beyond the staaaaaars!

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NEO AND THE HEROES OF THE MATRIX

The pitch: Stuck in the middle of the never-ending war between humans and machines, chosen-one Neo and his band of cool, leather-wearing pals must bend the laws of physics to save the people of Zion from killer robots. Neo and his team spend half their time flying for their lives in the crumbled remains of Earth, and the other half thwarting the machines more subtlely in the virtual world of the Matrix, by foiling the Agents' sinister schemes and fighting crime.

Seriously: It would be like Swat Kats, this one. or like the old Batman cartoon. It would be the cool one, with stylish, angular drawings and lots of black.

Also: Here's another movie that was spoiled by two pointless sequels. It could so easily have been a fun, non-canonical kids' series.

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TOY STORIES

The pitch: Whenever young Andy's back is turned, his collection of toys come alive! Restless, lovable and wacky, every time they show their true colours, Woody, Buzz and the gang always seem to wind up getting into trouble, and sometimes even find the time to fight some crime. However, they get back home within 30 minutes, and at no point do they wordlessly embrace the inevitability of their own deaths, holding hands while rolling toward a furnace, treasuring the flicker of humanity they were allowed to experience. Adults find the show predictable, but the kids have fun and are less likely to self-harm in later life.

Seriously: I loved Toy Story 3 so much, but they were silently holding hands as they waited to die. In a furnace. Also I would like to see a series based on Up! in which no-one ever dies tragically within the first ten minutes. The Toy Story series would be like Rugrats. Rugrats was fantastic.

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HOT TUB TIME MACHINE: The Animated Series

The pitch: Adam, Lou, Nick and Jacob are four lovable losers who have lost sight of the present... and the past! Unable to solve life's problems with a little hard-work and common sense, they invariably choose to travel through time in their magical, time-travelling hot tub! But of course, things just never go according to plan. One minute they could be travelling back to the day before Adam's anniversary to pick up some flowers, and the next - oops! - suddenly they're giving those flowers to Jesse James, or ineptly fighting crime in the prohibition era! How will they cope with that one? What temporal trouble will they get into next?!

I know: This would be exactly like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures, I realise that. Give me time.

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THE SOCIAL NETWORK

The pitch: Heroic, brilliant (yet quiet and mysterious) billionaire Internet magnate Mark Zuckerberg needlessly-tweaks his beloved 'Facebook' by day... and fights crime by night! Whenever The Troll and his evil Cyber Pirates plan to steal personal information or flood the Information Superhighway with illeagally copied mucic, The Social Network will be ready! Utilising all his contacts from all the corners of the Web, Mark has assembled the ultimate force of technological justice! Marshalling representatives from Google, MySpace, various porn-rings and that Chocolate Rain guy, the mastermind and true force for good is always alert, proving that no criminal scheme can stand up to the properly-organised power... of friendship.

Seriously: Did you ever see M.A.S.K.? I would watch this.

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I'm kind of losing track of what I was trying to do here...

But I have more: just imagine The Expendables, Alien Versus Predator, Inception: The Series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, Mass Effect or Scott Pilgrim Versus the World. Those would be pretty cool, neh? How about Machete, Let Me In! or The Hurt Locker? Maybe even Saw? Fifteen or twenty years ago, I guaruntee all of those shows would have been made, there would have been less rubbish sequels in the cinemas, and kids would have had something to watch.

Maybe I'm just a twenty-something fool refusing to let go of the childhood joys he was too scared to embrace at the proper time. But I honestly believe that no story has ever been told which can't be improved by some bright colours, a good moral at the end...

...and a cool guitar theme. No story at all.

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